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posted by [personal profile] askye at 01:28pm on 20/06/2017
So I've started baking. Well I have been for a few months. I've wanted to try but I thought it would be.. hard. That it would end in lots of inedible things .

Except it hasn't. I've taken it slow and done easy stuff and it's mostly turned out. Except pizza dough. And my attempt at Irish Soda Bread, but I think I miscounted the cups of flour I was adding and put it too much.

I've made white bread (2 different recipes), dinner rolls, egg custard pie, brownies, different batches of cookies, German Chocolate Cake, strawberry bread, buttermilk and plain biscuits, and white cake.

The white cake I made because we had strawberries and cream and nothing to go with I made a small batch of cake and baked in in mini loaf pan thing.

Biscuits were ok. the buttermilk biscuits I seriously overworked the dough. And since you can't get just a small amount of buttermilk I'm going to pass on doing that again for awhile.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the pizza dough.

Mostly I'm drawn to bread baking and yeast based things but also I don't have a huge urge to eat what I make. Well, I do but then sometimes I'm ready to be done with whatever and make something new.

The pie crust was easier to make than the pizza dough and turned out much better. Don't think I'll ever ben at Great British Bake Off level but I'm not sure I want to get there. I just want to enjoy it and try new things and find people to eat everything so I can make new things.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 12:43am on 19/10/2016
I keep having thoughts, feelings , what have you about gender experssion and identity, my gender expression and identity.

Lots of introspection and questions and I'm not sure where to go for answers or guidance , etc. Well I've poked around a few places but they seem to be more people in their 20s or for people who are sure or mostly sure or...something.

And this brings up all my fears of...ridicule, rejection and also that I'm being fake.

I don't know why I'm being vague. But every time I try to write out how I feel or what I'm thinking it doesn't really make sense.

I don't want to be a man. I'm okay with my body (there's stuff I'd like to change but it's mostly weight loss/getting fit, wishing for different hair texture type thing.). There is a lot of my identity and experiecnes that are tied into being a woman but I don't really think about being a woman a lot. I mean I do but I don't.

I've wear dresses and skirts. I've worn make up and I've worn dresses and make up to feel sexy but... a lot of that is what is expected. Well, I loved my prom dress. Mostly when it comes to clothes I just want to wear things that are comfortable (today that was a long skirt and a geeky mens tshirt). I dont find button down shirts comfortable so I don't plan on wearing any (although there are looks I love that hinge on a button down shirt). Pushing that aside...

There's just this - discconnect when I think of myself and woman. It feels I don't know.

Then I think .. well I just like the clothes of tomboy/butch style but that doesn't mean anything about my gender but then again clothes are a big part of gender expression.

A lot of this is stirred up by my "quest for identity" in therapy and also pushing back on shoulds.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 01:42pm on 29/08/2016
I have Imzy invites if anyone needs them!
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 11:40pm on 21/03/2016
My tooth on my right side hurts. A molar, kind of across from the one I lost. I need to get my teeth cleaned. I'm going to set up an appointment this week.

I'm anxious as hell because I know I probably need a filling. I need to get an implant, I can't afford any of that. I checked online with my dental insurance and fillings don't kick in until August. Part of the problem is primarily chewing on the right side. I need to stop doing that.

And brushing better. I have a waterpik/electric toothbrush set up but there's no room for it in the bathroom (literally no place to plug it in I could keep it under the sink and get it out /fill it/use it only when I brush my teeth and when the toothbrush needs to be recharged set it up in the kitchen). But I know I won't do that. So at hte grocery store i thought I bought one of those cheap spin head brushes (better than nothing). Only it didn't make it home so I don't know what happened. Tomorrow I'm going to get that. Also mom rearranged the basement and god only knows where my stuff is at this point.

High anticipating my therapy appointment tomorrow my anxiety level has been really high lately, I know it's because of stuff coming up in group and in therapy. Nothing I can really do , well be better about self care.

But I nearly had a break down in the grocery store. Mom sent me to get somethings for her trip and some things for myself while she was gone and I ended up wandering around feeling guilty about anything I looked at and spending any money. I keep thinking about how much easier and better everyone's life would be if I hadn't been born. No one will agree with that but it would be.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 03:57am on 18/10/2015
I should be asleep but I'm not.

Also Penny is not a good huntress for a cat. Unless her plan was to very slowly terrorize the mouse to death. There was a mouse. Penny was acting strange for a day or so before I figured it out. I found it..totally alive...yesterday. It fell out of a paperbag and Penny just ...tapped it. And then waited. I threw the mouse outside.

She's sniffing around the stove (which she was doing origially) so either the mouse is dumb and is back or there is another one. I really don't want another one.

And on one hand I'm glad there were no parts or guts to deal with. One the other hand I think Penny was freaked out about the mouse. Insects are more her style.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 03:12pm on 18/06/2015
So I don't like the DBT group I'm in. Well let me rephrase. I like the info I just can't stand one woman. I don't know how to address it but I need to. She's not a terrible person but she dominates, she has an example for everything and when we do introductions it might be - say your name and one thing related to interpersonal communication you are working on.

so most people would say "I'm askye and I'm working on my social phobia."

Whereas this woman would be "My name is X and all my life I've struggled with being a people pleaser and I'm trying to bring more balance to my life and as an example this week I blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah."

and she always has some example or some tie back to her life. Which is fine IF she didn't do it over 5 times in an hour.

I guess I need to email the group leader and just tell her I feel uncomfortable because she's such a dominate personality and it's hard to get a word in edgewise at times and I don't want to participate because I feel like I'll be competing against her or taking up too much time because of how much time she takes.

Or something.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 12:19am on 28/11/2014
Survived the first half of black friday. Think I have a uti or the IC is flaring a little. Tomorrow's provided food is pizza and wings. I have a pot pie I'm going to take in and maybe there will be lunch meat left over from today. I can't risk the tomatoes. ORdred D-mannose from amazon. Will call the doctor on Monday. Have an over the counter test to take but remembered it AFTER I went to the bathroom.

I'm tireda nd I forgot what it's like in the holidays when there's no escape from the noise and the people. I took my dinner break early and it was quiet but when I needed quiet the only way would be going outside in the cold. Tomorrow is still Black Friday. Then this weekend will be busy I'm sure. I'm looking forward to my days off. although I have therapy and seeing the shrink.

Right now the noises of the day are rattling and echoing through my head and I can't quiet them down. If I could meditate now would be good, but I can't do that. There's noise - the microwave heating dinner, the cat clamoring for food or attention (although she's had both) and I just want to sit the quiet an the dim and eat dinner and just not think too much but I have to go to bed soon. I'll wake up at 8:30. I almost always do. I didn't get much sleep last night and tried to nap but failed, my head buzzing with the anxiety for today. I keep telling myself over time and holiday pay and were on track to get 2x the bonus, although that money will show up after the holidays. I've already earned over time and I'm not sure how. I'm worried there's a mistake but I won't look at my hours or bring it to attention. Part of me thinks that's wrong.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 07:33am on 13/12/2012
 I finished Vecchio's Keys and posted it on A03

I already got a comment and she commented on Variations of a Kiss (my Smallville story). 

I'm so freaking happy right now and feel such a huge boost in my confidence.

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posted by [personal profile] askye at 02:38pm on 21/06/2012
 the beach trip was wonderful. But I caught a cold or something. I'm better and night before last I was up all night coughing but then it subsided. So I didn't go to the doctor.

I even took a nap. But that ended in almost disaster.  The phone rang and I sleepily stumbled out of bed and tripped on somehtng and put my hand out to brace myself -the stand fan. Only I knocked the front gaurd off (it was loose anyway) and cut myself on a blade. Barely awake  and in pain I was trying to deal with the phone and kept dropping it and finally yelled "I'll call you back" and went to stop the bleeding.

Will was calling, so I relayed the information (only badly I had to repeat myself several times) and he was worried but i told him I was fine.  The cut isn't that deep and the bleeding stopped quickly. 

He's bringing me another fan and will check out my finger for himself today or tomorrow  (he's a former firefighter with emt training so he's good about medical stuff). 

It's hot here, hotter than in Tallahassee.  94 here! UGH UGH. I went out too, which was kind of  a mistake, I was thinking of going to the library bok sale, but that's only Tuesdays. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 85.

I got cat litter (Ii'll change it tonight) and some other stuff I needed. 

The cats have been more affectionate with the heat. I dont understand it. Dean never wants to cuddle in bed after dark, but last night he jumped on the bed and curled next to me wanting petting and loving, but he left as soon as I started coughing. And all day yesterday he kept trying to get in my lap. He's not like this Jan or Feb when it's cold! I keep putting ice cubes in their water dish. 

I need to go slather aloe gel all over and put a fan facing me. I found that's a great way to cool off.
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posted by [personal profile] askye at 09:10pm on 21/05/2012
I rescued a hummingbird on Friday. Drove 234 miles to deliver it to the rehab places (that's round trip) on Saturday. Called them today, it was an adult (just very small) but it seems to have some kind of internal injury because it can flap its wings but can't actually fly. They are going to watch it and feed it for a few more days. I keep hoping it will fly.

Dean, the cat, is underweight. I need to take him back to the vet. He's eating more, so that's good but not putting on weight. I found another poultry free grain free cat fodo but it's twice as expensive as the Natural Balance. I think I'll buy it and mix it with the Natural Balance and see how he does.

I keep wondering if it would be bad to feed him kitten formula to try and fatten him up a bit.


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