askye: (Default)
askye ([personal profile] askye) wrote2016-10-19 12:43 am

(no subject)

I keep having thoughts, feelings , what have you about gender experssion and identity, my gender expression and identity.

Lots of introspection and questions and I'm not sure where to go for answers or guidance , etc. Well I've poked around a few places but they seem to be more people in their 20s or for people who are sure or mostly sure or...something.

And this brings up all my fears of...ridicule, rejection and also that I'm being fake.

I don't know why I'm being vague. But every time I try to write out how I feel or what I'm thinking it doesn't really make sense.

I don't want to be a man. I'm okay with my body (there's stuff I'd like to change but it's mostly weight loss/getting fit, wishing for different hair texture type thing.). There is a lot of my identity and experiecnes that are tied into being a woman but I don't really think about being a woman a lot. I mean I do but I don't.

I've wear dresses and skirts. I've worn make up and I've worn dresses and make up to feel sexy but... a lot of that is what is expected. Well, I loved my prom dress. Mostly when it comes to clothes I just want to wear things that are comfortable (today that was a long skirt and a geeky mens tshirt). I dont find button down shirts comfortable so I don't plan on wearing any (although there are looks I love that hinge on a button down shirt). Pushing that aside...

There's just this - discconnect when I think of myself and woman. It feels I don't know.

Then I think .. well I just like the clothes of tomboy/butch style but that doesn't mean anything about my gender but then again clothes are a big part of gender expression.

A lot of this is stirred up by my "quest for identity" in therapy and also pushing back on shoulds.

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