Collected Thoughts

I've been up and happy about school. I haven't been going to bed early enough and I realize now I haven't been taking my morning dose of medication.

Not a good thing. I've been up and happy and productive and now I'm worried I slide into a mini state of hypomania. But I don't think I did. I think I'm just not getting enough sleep and I'm still not used the big change in my life.

I mean I spent the last year unemployed, not going to school, totally focused on trying to get the medication right and working on therapy. And now I'm in school, with a regular schedule and it's different.

Plus, I always, always forget how drained I am after an emotional purge. And I purged on the Phoenix Board. I'm glad I did, I think what I said helped and was important. But I forget how...it still makes me fragile when I finished, and I forget that. And then instead of putting it aside I spent the day thinking about it, so I felt a little battered.

I didn't go to school, the power went off in the night and I didn't wake up until about 10:30. So, I scrounged up batteries and put them in the clock.

I also didn't get anything really productive done. I did label some of my tapes but that's more cat vaccuuming than productive.

And it's backsliding. Or the tiniest of stuttersteps back. Because I realized what I was doing, I tried the to do the self delusion thing. The "well it's not my fault I can't remember my medicine". Which it is. There's now extras in my car. There are batteries in my clock. I have to force myself to go to bed at 10:30 pm.

It's a sucky bed time but it's going to be my sucky bedtime.

My room is not acceptable, but I'm working on it and so that's forward progress.

And I'm writing. I don't have anything finished, but nor do I have a million things started. I have 2 projects I'm working on seriously and that's enough.

I feel like I'm trying to justify my mistake---"hey I screwed up, but it's okay I learned from it!". It's not okay I screwed up. It's frustrating but I'm trying. I'm trying so that every little mistake backward I make, I make a bigger step forward correcting it.

In other news--I'm actually trying to outline a story rather than just write it on the fly. I never outline, I don't think think in outlines. Or at least, I never thought in a very organized manner before. Except that's changing so I'm trying to...maybe it's not a true outline, but get a continuity of what I want to write for my Firefly story.