Collected Thoughts

I keep thinking about Xander and Spike and the slashiness between them. As much as I like reading X/S and as much as I want to write them together I can't see it happening. I firmly believe that Xander would not act on his attraction to Spike because of the attempted rape and Spike having sex with Anya. Well, I think Xander could, at some point, get past the Anya situation but I don't know how he's going to get past the attempted rape.

I also believe that, by now, Xander knows he's attracted to Spike and that Spike's attracted to him. Xander has always hated vampires andit would be hard for Xander to get past being attracted to one. He knows they are evil and it never mattered that Spike had a chip because the chip didn't make Spike good. All the chip did was condition him not to attack humans because of the pain. Spike enjoys violence and he turned to fighting demons and other vampires because it was an outlet for that violence.

Xander's ethical standards are very black and white, he's not comfortable with the shades of gray. Occasionally he does things that are in the realms of gray, but he's not comfortable there. The whole black and white morality is a measure of protection for Xander. Not just because of his home life, but also because as a defensive measure against the memories of the hyena possesion. Xander remembers all of that, and while his knowledge of being a soldier faded, I don't think the hyena memories faded.

Pack!Xander was also a bully, he was a predator who *enjoyed* what he did. He was cruel to Willow, he probably wanted to eat her, she was weak. Now, Buffy on the other hand, Buffy is totally an Alpha, she's the ultimate Alpha Bitch.

Xander is an Alpha Male, that's why the rest of the Pack defered to him. He was always at the head, he found them food, and he wanted an Alpha. Buffy.

What Spike did and what Xander wanted to do were pretty much the same. I don't really blame Xander for his actions, because he was possessed and wouldn't have done anything like that if it weren't for the hyena.

Non Pack!Xander is still Alpha, he's just been pushed down by his family life, if he'd been treated better he'd have come into his role as an Alpha much sooner. Even with the low self esteem Xander has been about "pack" and protecting what's his.

Xander came face to face with his darkness way before Buffy and Willow had to face theirs. He knows what he is capable of, even though he was possessed he still had all of that in him. To lead, to kill, to try and take Buffy. Being flexible with your morality moves you closer to the darkness, Xander has a rigid black and white moral out look to keep him from that darkness.

In Hell's Bells he was shown a possiblity for his life, even though it was a lie, I know that the demonathing played on Xander's fears that he'd turn out like his father. Even after Xander knew that those images weren't his future, he still felt like that was a possiblity for him. A possiblity he'd kill Anya because she was weak and annoying.

Xander sees part of himself in Spike, a part of himself he hates and tries to keep under control. It doesn't fit his world view, he wants what he hates and he can't manipulate his morality to make that okay.