askye: (Default)
2017-06-20 01:28 pm


So I've started baking. Well I have been for a few months. I've wanted to try but I thought it would be.. hard. That it would end in lots of inedible things .

Except it hasn't. I've taken it slow and done easy stuff and it's mostly turned out. Except pizza dough. And my attempt at Irish Soda Bread, but I think I miscounted the cups of flour I was adding and put it too much.

I've made white bread (2 different recipes), dinner rolls, egg custard pie, brownies, different batches of cookies, German Chocolate Cake, strawberry bread, buttermilk and plain biscuits, and white cake.

The white cake I made because we had strawberries and cream and nothing to go with I made a small batch of cake and baked in in mini loaf pan thing.

Biscuits were ok. the buttermilk biscuits I seriously overworked the dough. And since you can't get just a small amount of buttermilk I'm going to pass on doing that again for awhile.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the pizza dough.

Mostly I'm drawn to bread baking and yeast based things but also I don't have a huge urge to eat what I make. Well, I do but then sometimes I'm ready to be done with whatever and make something new.

The pie crust was easier to make than the pizza dough and turned out much better. Don't think I'll ever ben at Great British Bake Off level but I'm not sure I want to get there. I just want to enjoy it and try new things and find people to eat everything so I can make new things.
askye: (Default)
2016-10-19 12:43 am

(no subject)

I keep having thoughts, feelings , what have you about gender experssion and identity, my gender expression and identity.

Lots of introspection and questions and I'm not sure where to go for answers or guidance , etc. Well I've poked around a few places but they seem to be more people in their 20s or for people who are sure or mostly sure or...something.

And this brings up all my fears of...ridicule, rejection and also that I'm being fake.

I don't know why I'm being vague. But every time I try to write out how I feel or what I'm thinking it doesn't really make sense.

I don't want to be a man. I'm okay with my body (there's stuff I'd like to change but it's mostly weight loss/getting fit, wishing for different hair texture type thing.). There is a lot of my identity and experiecnes that are tied into being a woman but I don't really think about being a woman a lot. I mean I do but I don't.

I've wear dresses and skirts. I've worn make up and I've worn dresses and make up to feel sexy but... a lot of that is what is expected. Well, I loved my prom dress. Mostly when it comes to clothes I just want to wear things that are comfortable (today that was a long skirt and a geeky mens tshirt). I dont find button down shirts comfortable so I don't plan on wearing any (although there are looks I love that hinge on a button down shirt). Pushing that aside...

There's just this - discconnect when I think of myself and woman. It feels I don't know.

Then I think .. well I just like the clothes of tomboy/butch style but that doesn't mean anything about my gender but then again clothes are a big part of gender expression.

A lot of this is stirred up by my "quest for identity" in therapy and also pushing back on shoulds.
askye: (Default)
2016-08-29 01:42 pm


I have Imzy invites if anyone needs them!
askye: (Default)
2016-03-21 11:40 pm

(no subject)

My tooth on my right side hurts. A molar, kind of across from the one I lost. I need to get my teeth cleaned. I'm going to set up an appointment this week.

I'm anxious as hell because I know I probably need a filling. I need to get an implant, I can't afford any of that. I checked online with my dental insurance and fillings don't kick in until August. Part of the problem is primarily chewing on the right side. I need to stop doing that.

And brushing better. I have a waterpik/electric toothbrush set up but there's no room for it in the bathroom (literally no place to plug it in I could keep it under the sink and get it out /fill it/use it only when I brush my teeth and when the toothbrush needs to be recharged set it up in the kitchen). But I know I won't do that. So at hte grocery store i thought I bought one of those cheap spin head brushes (better than nothing). Only it didn't make it home so I don't know what happened. Tomorrow I'm going to get that. Also mom rearranged the basement and god only knows where my stuff is at this point.

High anticipating my therapy appointment tomorrow my anxiety level has been really high lately, I know it's because of stuff coming up in group and in therapy. Nothing I can really do , well be better about self care.

But I nearly had a break down in the grocery store. Mom sent me to get somethings for her trip and some things for myself while she was gone and I ended up wandering around feeling guilty about anything I looked at and spending any money. I keep thinking about how much easier and better everyone's life would be if I hadn't been born. No one will agree with that but it would be.
askye: (Default)
2015-10-18 03:57 am

(no subject)

I should be asleep but I'm not.

Also Penny is not a good huntress for a cat. Unless her plan was to very slowly terrorize the mouse to death. There was a mouse. Penny was acting strange for a day or so before I figured it out. I found it..totally alive...yesterday. It fell out of a paperbag and Penny just ...tapped it. And then waited. I threw the mouse outside.

She's sniffing around the stove (which she was doing origially) so either the mouse is dumb and is back or there is another one. I really don't want another one.

And on one hand I'm glad there were no parts or guts to deal with. One the other hand I think Penny was freaked out about the mouse. Insects are more her style.
askye: (Default)
2015-06-18 03:12 pm

(no subject)

So I don't like the DBT group I'm in. Well let me rephrase. I like the info I just can't stand one woman. I don't know how to address it but I need to. She's not a terrible person but she dominates, she has an example for everything and when we do introductions it might be - say your name and one thing related to interpersonal communication you are working on.

so most people would say "I'm askye and I'm working on my social phobia."

Whereas this woman would be "My name is X and all my life I've struggled with being a people pleaser and I'm trying to bring more balance to my life and as an example this week I blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah."

and she always has some example or some tie back to her life. Which is fine IF she didn't do it over 5 times in an hour.

I guess I need to email the group leader and just tell her I feel uncomfortable because she's such a dominate personality and it's hard to get a word in edgewise at times and I don't want to participate because I feel like I'll be competing against her or taking up too much time because of how much time she takes.

Or something.
askye: (Default)
2014-11-28 12:19 am

(no subject)

Survived the first half of black friday. Think I have a uti or the IC is flaring a little. Tomorrow's provided food is pizza and wings. I have a pot pie I'm going to take in and maybe there will be lunch meat left over from today. I can't risk the tomatoes. ORdred D-mannose from amazon. Will call the doctor on Monday. Have an over the counter test to take but remembered it AFTER I went to the bathroom.

I'm tireda nd I forgot what it's like in the holidays when there's no escape from the noise and the people. I took my dinner break early and it was quiet but when I needed quiet the only way would be going outside in the cold. Tomorrow is still Black Friday. Then this weekend will be busy I'm sure. I'm looking forward to my days off. although I have therapy and seeing the shrink.

Right now the noises of the day are rattling and echoing through my head and I can't quiet them down. If I could meditate now would be good, but I can't do that. There's noise - the microwave heating dinner, the cat clamoring for food or attention (although she's had both) and I just want to sit the quiet an the dim and eat dinner and just not think too much but I have to go to bed soon. I'll wake up at 8:30. I almost always do. I didn't get much sleep last night and tried to nap but failed, my head buzzing with the anxiety for today. I keep telling myself over time and holiday pay and were on track to get 2x the bonus, although that money will show up after the holidays. I've already earned over time and I'm not sure how. I'm worried there's a mistake but I won't look at my hours or bring it to attention. Part of me thinks that's wrong.
askye: (Default)
2012-12-13 07:33 am

I committed fic!

 I finished Vecchio's Keys and posted it on A03

I already got a comment and she commented on Variations of a Kiss (my Smallville story). 

I'm so freaking happy right now and feel such a huge boost in my confidence.

askye: (Default)
2012-06-21 02:38 pm

(no subject)

 the beach trip was wonderful. But I caught a cold or something. I'm better and night before last I was up all night coughing but then it subsided. So I didn't go to the doctor.

I even took a nap. But that ended in almost disaster.  The phone rang and I sleepily stumbled out of bed and tripped on somehtng and put my hand out to brace myself -the stand fan. Only I knocked the front gaurd off (it was loose anyway) and cut myself on a blade. Barely awake  and in pain I was trying to deal with the phone and kept dropping it and finally yelled "I'll call you back" and went to stop the bleeding.

Will was calling, so I relayed the information (only badly I had to repeat myself several times) and he was worried but i told him I was fine.  The cut isn't that deep and the bleeding stopped quickly. 

He's bringing me another fan and will check out my finger for himself today or tomorrow  (he's a former firefighter with emt training so he's good about medical stuff). 

It's hot here, hotter than in Tallahassee.  94 here! UGH UGH. I went out too, which was kind of  a mistake, I was thinking of going to the library bok sale, but that's only Tuesdays. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 85.

I got cat litter (Ii'll change it tonight) and some other stuff I needed. 

The cats have been more affectionate with the heat. I dont understand it. Dean never wants to cuddle in bed after dark, but last night he jumped on the bed and curled next to me wanting petting and loving, but he left as soon as I started coughing. And all day yesterday he kept trying to get in my lap. He's not like this Jan or Feb when it's cold! I keep putting ice cubes in their water dish. 

I need to go slather aloe gel all over and put a fan facing me. I found that's a great way to cool off.
askye: (Default)
2012-05-21 09:10 pm

(no subject)

I rescued a hummingbird on Friday. Drove 234 miles to deliver it to the rehab places (that's round trip) on Saturday. Called them today, it was an adult (just very small) but it seems to have some kind of internal injury because it can flap its wings but can't actually fly. They are going to watch it and feed it for a few more days. I keep hoping it will fly.

Dean, the cat, is underweight. I need to take him back to the vet. He's eating more, so that's good but not putting on weight. I found another poultry free grain free cat fodo but it's twice as expensive as the Natural Balance. I think I'll buy it and mix it with the Natural Balance and see how he does.

I keep wondering if it would be bad to feed him kitten formula to try and fatten him up a bit.
askye: (Default)
2012-03-27 05:40 pm

(no subject)

 Had  a good therapy session. Not sure how the temp job is going to effect that, I will probably only be able to see my therapist once a month. But I'll figure it out, however I knew it wasn't going to be forever, I won't be living here forever.

Got off my ass and FINALLY worked on dishes.  Going to therapy helps me get into gear afterwards. My apartment got so bad, not Hoarders, but Clean Sweep bad. So I'm getting out from under that.  Found plastic containers for books that don't go on the bookcases (and will double as cat perches under the windows).  I have a file box but I found a cheap file folder envelope folder thing that I can put more recent stuff in. I don't know where I'll store it, but at least I got papers in it.

Also organized some of my stuff in the bathroom.  Laundry I have to work on but I put the dishes as a bigger priority.  Yarn is stored. Various card board boxes holding stuff have been emptied stuff stored in more pleasing things and the boxes put in recycling. Got a different trash can for recycling - holds more and works better. My place still looks bad and no one could tell I've done anything but I'm seeing progress.

I'm hoping to have it look 50% better by the time Will comes back. Not perfect but better.  I still am struggling to figure out how to organize everything without enough space.  I never used a dresser, my clothes are usually in clean piles and dirty piles, but the wardrobe I have is cool, but not practical. I'm not sure how to make it practical.  And of course I don't have enough shelves for books. But I don't have tall bookcases.  One solution is to get rid of more books but.... I don't want to. At least until I read them.
askye: (Default)
2012-02-21 02:43 pm

(no subject)

 I've been surprised at how well I've managed my money this month and thinking "wow I have a lot left in the bank" . But I only have a lot left because I haven't paid any bills this month!

I forgot to pay everything. My credit card payments are late and there are fees tacked on, I haven't paid the utilities, or cable/ Rent is the only thing I've paid.

I don't even know how this happened, except I was feeling bad and then thought about paying bills, even went to the websites but didn't actually pay the bills.

So now, not so much money.
askye: (Default)
2012-01-26 10:50 pm

(no subject)

 I have a bunch of yarn that was at mom's she had a throw she started but didn't really like the pattern. So If ound another one I did like to make for her. I was all excited because it was going fast and I was practically done with the whole skien and had only had to "fix" it a few times.

Only to realize I'm doing it wrong. It's not a bad looking throw, it's just not what I was going for. The original problem I "fixed" was the actual pattern.  So now I'm starting the whole thing over again. It's supposed to be a basket weave pattern, with alternating front post double crochet and back post double crochet.  And on alternate rows you switch to back post and then front post, and it gives a weave effect. I was making sure they all lined up.

This is what I get for crocheting without a clear image of what I want.

Well, it got me through Gunless - a cute comedy although I totally didn't buy Paul Gross as an American bad guy. and I watched a few other things, most of Domino before I got tired of the way the film was edited and most of the WWI Paul Gross film I'm too lazy to look up the spelling - I didn't like the characters and gave up on it.

With something like this, at the beginning, I think I need to stick with Murder She Wrote or rewatching SGA or SG1 or something where I can pay half attention to the show and still know what's going on.
askye: (Default)
2012-01-01 04:26 pm

goals for 2012

I think I'll keep it simple. My goals for this year to do more things. Try different things, cook more, be more active, push myself more.

I think it's vague enough to be doable. 
askye: (Default)
2011-11-18 07:36 pm

(no subject)

 Got my schedule for next week, finally put in a wordpad note so I won't lose it. 26 hours! I wanted more time and I got it, I hope I can squeeze in a time to get snow tires, I was going to do that today but I ended up working a temp job for Spherion - one of the places I worked before (not one that offered me a job). It was an extra 4 hours!
askye: (Default)
2011-10-21 06:09 pm

I'm back

I had a great visit.

On my way down I got a call from the temp agency about a great job they had and they were submitting me. The job wanted someone with Publisher and Power Point experience which I don't have.  Then I heard that the temp agency considered me the best candidate  but the company wanted at least one other resume.

Today I heard that they went with the other person based on their experience with Publisher and Power Point. Which is so frustrating. I'm going to try to find some free or cheap classes in Microsoft office products so I can be up tod ate (I don't have Office on my computer).

However the part time job is still happening, I'm supposed to call Sunday to find out when I'm on the schedule. Although now I keep getting small paranoid thoughts that they are going to take the job away.

On the plus side almost all my Lands End stuff fit. There's one sweater I'm questionable about and I need a second opinion so I want to Skype with Mom. I tried to cal her today several times and she never answered, I guess she's busy.  The clogs from Lands End didn't fit but the Mary Janes did. So I'm going to return the clogs and get a pair of the Mary Janes in black.

Today I went to TJ Maxx and got some socks and wrist warmers. I didn't see gloves I liked or a hat I liked.  And I went to the shoe store and found a pair of clogs that fit and were comfortable and were affordable (versus being $120). So I bought them in black. They are patent so kinda shiny but on the black it doesn't look bad and now I've got what I need for the temp job.

I also have stuff being sent to me. Mom had a yarn stash that's now mine. And she bought some knitting and embrodiary stuff at a garage sale about 10-15 years ago. So now the knitting stuff is mine. I only ever have to buy circular needles again. This includes some pattern books.

Plus Grandma gave me some pattern books and her yarn AND her work bag! I've wanted one and now I have it. I stopped by the yarn shop and told K about it and she wants to see everything so as soon as I get it I'll take it over there for knitting.

I started a scarf, Mom found a 63 square crochet sampler with different stitches and the puff stitch was one. Except then I put in the box of stuff to be mailed (which was at Mom's house) and couldn't remember how many chains to make so I guessed and guessed wrong. But then I just kept going and I'm calling it my Chaotic Puff Stitch Scarf. I started doing sort of random things. Like 2 single crochets, then the puff stitch or alternating 2 and 3 single crochets. I think it looks neat.

askye: (Default)
2011-10-03 01:39 pm

(no subject)

 Let's see, instead of just giving my landlady the rent money in cash I wrote a check. I forgot to stick a note in that said "please don't deposit this until Monday afternoon". And then I didn't get to the bank in time and I overdrafted so that cost me an extra $25. It was suggested I ask to see if that could be waived, but I think this time I'll take the penalty.

On the plus side my cold seems to be pretty much gone.  There's still some congestion but I sound okay so I didn't call my primary care doctor. I did call the urologist and they can't see me until Thursday!  I did ask they let my urologist know I made an appointment.  Then I went and gave a urine sample at the lab. Benefit of living in a small town w/hospital - everything is easy to reach and no waiting.  I'm still on AZO, Benadryl, and ibuprofen for pain. I don't know what I took as a kid but it did something similar to  AZO only I think it was prescription and turned everything blue. I kinda miss the blue.

Oh! I finished my shawl/wrap/throw thing I made for Grandma. I realized at her size it's probably a blanket. And I'm saving it for Xmas present. I keep having to stop and start over on my Aunt J's shell scarf because the stitches get tighter and it looks wonky. Also I tried to crochet in my benadryl haze and that was just bad. I could probably do something simple.

Knitting is going okay. Purling I can't seem to get the hang of and now I'm wishing I had circular needles because I keep dropping the needles when Im starting or finishing rows. Somehow I don't remember the basics of crochet being this hard to learn. The shell pattern gave me fits at first but that was keeping the pattern straight. I guess I'll get circular needles and try it out.

And I have therapy soon and I need to remember to talk about a psychiatrist and to contact my primary care dr about getting a new seroquel prescription, its going to run out while I'm out of town.

askye: (Default)
2011-09-14 10:47 pm

(no subject)

 Went to the knitting club tonight and learned how to knit! And then I came home and was trying to practice and the needle slid out of the loops and when I was trying to put it back in I accidentally started to unravel everything.

Sigh. Well I cast on more stitches but I'm having trouble with getting the first row so.... back to crochet. I'll struggle with this for a while longer and then go to the yarn shop for some more help.

Holding two needles does not feel natural and I struggled trying to keep them held properly and the yarn. There's so much stuff to hold! There was another crocheter there (although she was working on a knitting project) and she said crocheting felt more natural to her as well. 
askye: (Default)
2011-09-01 03:01 pm

Peter Wingfield in Vermont

Methos is going to be a doctor. Okay Peter Wingfield is.  He lives in Burlington and he's attending UVM Medical school 
askye: (Default)
2011-08-27 10:53 am


I have medication! It was very easy. I was the first person at the urgent care. They were very nice and the doctor did express a tiny bit of concern over the high dose of Seroquel but I told him all my blood work was fine and that I knew it was high and once I got a shrink I was going to talk about reducing it. He started to give me info about counselors and shrinks but I told him I had that covered.

Then I went to the farmer's market and got some great chicken and potatoes and rice and beans. And empanadas. T, who makes this lovely food, also makes a garlicy sauce for the empanadas that is out of this world.  She said if I called her middle of the week and could come by Saturday she'd make me a batch special. I forgot to ask how long it lasts but I could it straight. I'm having a hard time eating because Dean is circling me like shark. Seriously, I'm at the computer eating and he keeps jumping on the computer. I knock him off. He jumps up on the window and tries to casually get in my lap. I know he wants the chicken which will just make him sick. He just wants a crumb.

The farmer's market had winter squash and these adorable pie pumpkins. I need to go get my knives sharpened and find a pumpkiny recipe because I want one of those cute little pumpkins to eat! And little fingerling potatoes and turnips. And apples. I bought a bag of young apples at the grocery not realizing I'd get some at the farmer's market. 

I'm realizing I'm more excited about fall/winter produce than I am about spring stuff. Maybe after a real winter I'll feel different. I love squash and asparagus and next year I'm trying fiddle heads. And all that. But there's something about pumpkins and acorn squash and other winter squashes and dark leafy greens - kale, collards, etc.