Collected Thoughts

Here's a little snippet that's been languishing on my hard drive. It's the very first SV anything I ever wrote. I had this whole story in my head and this is as far as I got, which isn't far.Clark was dizzy, his thoughts spun and twisted and raced and he couldn't tell where his dreams-his night dreams- started anymore and his daydreams-his fantasies- began.

It was also confusing, so confusing to be....him. To be...different, faster, stronger, more...and just different. He didn't dream right. Not like he thought other--other guys did. When he was awake, when he was--(jacking off)-- he got it right: Lana, or a movie star, or model. Usually someone famous because he never could face Lana after thinking those kind of things about her...about her hands on him, her mouth on him...his hands in her hair, on her skin. It just, embarrassed him. It should! He was good, he was polite, he was her friend. And he wanted--oh he wanted to be so much more. To kiss, and taste her and touch her and smell her.

At least that's what he told himself during the day.

At night, his dreams were different. Better, stronger, more---passionate. He woke up aching and longing and sticky from them. And they were so good. In a way his fantasies about Lana or the models or the actresses could never be. But they were never clear and they were always---wrong.

He never saw faces in his dreams, any of his dreams, especially these. He only felt and tasted and saw skin, muscle and long limbs, strong bodies and a sense of rightness--

of maleness.

The mouths were always stronger, firmer, burning...and wrong. So wrong. He shouldn't dream like that. Not of those things, not and wake up like...aching and gasping and needing like he did.

Lana. He thought about Lana during the day; sweet faced, sweet voiced...even if his dreams weren't sweet. Lana or a supermodel or an actress. Or Chloe even. A female, a woman that's what he should dream of, what should wake him gasping and needing and burning like that.

Not faceless

men.

Clark sat against the wall, confused and angry. He never let himself think of all this, instead he thought of his powers and his responsibilities, his differences, his alien-ness. Not the other difference, the one no one---especially his parents! knew about. And now, now it was all he could think about. The dreams, the images, the tactile feelings, the urgency of the emotion. It was hormones, he figured, and high school and all those other boys in the locker rooms, naked and wet and--

Clark scrubbed his face with his hands, he shouldn't be thinking of this--he should think of something sweet and innocent. Something like his feelings for Lana or any other girl he'd liked. Instead of this desperate urgency he felt for

Men.

The idea behind the story was Clark being confused by his sexuality and where he belonged in the world and trying to figure it out with out Lex. I didn't know where it feel into place within the timeline of the show. But I saw a lot of stories where Clark either already knew he was gay or bisexual or didn't know utnil he was attracted to Lex, which is fine. But I wanted to explore Clark without Lex. However I lost the "voice" of the story and never could get back to it. Maybe if it sits here in the open I can think of something.