Snippet [Collected Thoughts]

Here's a little snippet that's been languishing on my hard drive. It's the very first SV anything I ever wrote. I had this whole story in my head and this is as far as I got, which isn't far.Clark was dizzy, his thoughts spun and twisted and raced and he couldn't tell where his dreams-his night dreams- started anymore and his daydreams-his fantasies- began.

It was also confusing, so confusing to be....him. To be...different, faster, stronger, more...and just different. He didn't dream right. Not like he thought other--other guys did. When he was awake, when he was--(jacking off)-- he got it right: Lana, or a movie star, or model. Usually someone famous because he never could face Lana after thinking those kind of things about her...about her hands on him, her mouth on him...his hands in her hair, on her skin. It just, embarrassed him. It should! He was good, he was polite, he was her friend. And he wanted--oh he wanted to be so much more. To kiss, and taste her and touch her and smell her.

At least that's what he told himself during the day.

At night, his dreams were different. Better, stronger, more---passionate. He woke up aching and longing and sticky from them. And they were so good. In a way his fantasies about Lana or the models or the actresses could never be. But they were never clear and they were always---wrong.

He never saw faces in his dreams, any of his dreams, especially these. He only felt and tasted and saw skin, muscle and long limbs, strong bodies and a sense of rightness--

of maleness.

The mouths were always stronger, firmer, burning...and wrong. So wrong. He shouldn't dream like that. Not of those things, not and wake up like...aching and gasping and needing like he did.

Lana. He thought about Lana during the day; sweet faced, sweet voiced...even if his dreams weren't sweet. Lana or a supermodel or an actress. Or Chloe even. A female, a woman that's what he should dream of, what should wake him gasping and needing and burning like that.

Not faceless

men.

Clark sat against the wall, confused and angry. He never let himself think of all this, instead he thought of his powers and his responsibilities, his differences, his alien-ness. Not the other difference, the one no one---especially his parents! knew about. And now, now it was all he could think about. The dreams, the images, the tactile feelings, the urgency of the emotion. It was hormones, he figured, and high school and all those other boys in the locker rooms, naked and wet and--

Clark scrubbed his face with his hands, he shouldn't be thinking of this--he should think of something sweet and innocent. Something like his feelings for Lana or any other girl he'd liked. Instead of this desperate urgency he felt for

Men.

The idea behind the story was Clark being confused by his sexuality and where he belonged in the world and trying to figure it out with out Lex. I didn't know where it feel into place within the timeline of the show. But I saw a lot of stories where Clark either already knew he was gay or bisexual or didn't know utnil he was attracted to Lex, which is fine. But I wanted to explore Clark without Lex. However I lost the "voice" of the story and never could get back to it. Maybe if it sits here in the open I can think of something.

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Well, I like the idea, because so many First Time stories show Clark exploring his sexuality through Lex, and this makes a definite change. Neat idea, to have him already grappling with the notion when Lex isn't really an issue. Although he doesn't actually find out he's an alien until the pilot episode, when he meets Lex. So if this is set pre-Lex, he could only know that he's weird and different. I honestly do think that if it's set after the pilot, Lex would be an issue, even if he wasn't the only catalyst. Simply because there's an intensity to his interaction with Clark that isn't present in Clark's interaction with other males in his life.

But I absolutely love the idea that Clark has already kind of figured it out before Lex arrives. Very intriguing. Another story which uses a twist like that is Livia's "Twenty-One". Its premise is actually quite different from this story's premise, but like this one, it plays around with generally accepted fanon.

Anyway, I like it muchly, but I well know how frustrating it can be to recapture a mood, a voice after a long period away. So what were your original ideas for what would come after this snippet? I wanna know, I wanna know!

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I haven't seen the Pilot yet and I was iffy on when Clark finds out about being an alien. I thought it was in the pilot. On the show Clark was strong and different while growing up, so how'd his parents explain that one? I can easily change to having him *feel* like an alien because he's different. Lord knows I often feel like I'm from Planet SpasticOddGirl.

My idea was to parallel Clark trying to come to terms with his feelings for guys and coming to terms with his feelings about being an alien. I see Clark as feeling a great deal of responibility--to his parents, to his friends, to his town, about his abilities. Jonathan certainly won't let him forget that. I think that's why Clark is so loyal to Lex, not only because he may have feelings for Lex but he feels responsible for Lex: Lex is his friend, no one really likes Lex, he saved Lex. (Now I'm off track)

Getting back to my idea. I wanted to explore Clark's loneliness, I don't think there would be many openly gay people in a town the size of Smallville in the Midwest (I maybe wrong, I don't live in the Midwest). I wanted Clark to worry that he might not age and then he'd have to leave his family, and then who would take over the farm? Who would look after his parents? If he doesn't age then he can't stay in one place for long or let anyone get close to him. Who can he be honest with about who he is? Who could accept him and not think he was a freak?

But his parents found him, and they accepted him and loved him, so maybe someone else would find him and love him. Someone he could love as well.

I don't think Clark has a real clear cut view of being some sort of hero or superhero. The people he saves right now are either altered because of the meteor rocks, which he feels responsible for, *or* it's in a reactionary manner to someone he feels responsible for being hurt. So my story wouldn't include the idea of a hero because I don't think Clark has really entertained that idea.

Does this make sense at all?

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It does indeed. Make sense, that is. And incidentally, I think you'd be right that it would be extremely difficult to be out and proud in a small Midwestern town. I know several guys from Alberta (the Canadian version of the Bible Belt, and the only province which has invoked the Notwithstanding Clause in order to NOT protect the rights of gay people against discrimination in its provincial laws)who said it was enormously tough growing up in small, conservative communities and *knowing* they were queers, and therefore unacceptable. Not saying that every Albertan or Midwesterner is nasty and closed-minded, but the institutional mindset is considerably less liberal than on the coast, in my experience.
Anyway, I like the parallels you're drawing between Clark's feelings of alien-ness and feelings of sexual confusion. Although actually I don't think it's the confusion which is freaking him out in your story. He's not confused at all. He's jjust in denial.You seem to have a really good handle on the character and on the story you want to tell, BTW.

Yeah confusion isn't the right word. The parallels between accepting his sexuality and his alien-ness. I live in a medium size town and I know what some of the attitudes are. I've got a good idea on the story and Clark in my head (although usually Clark confuses me) but I lost the voice on this. When ever I start writing it again it doesn't fit with what I have. It's too...something. I'll work on it while I'm at the beach, nothing better than hiding from the conservative relatives and trying to write slash.

It's a good snippet. I think you portray Clark's feelings and denial about his alienness and homosexuality very well.
Are you sure you want to add to this story? Why not let it stand on its own as it is.
If you want to build a story around this premise, maybe you should just use the premise, not this actual snippet. It just seems so... self-contained. Finished.

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