Collected Thoughts

I need to relax a little when it comes to writing in my LJ. I get a bit of stage fright---"Omigod! all these people are reading and they are smart and they are going to think I'm not and never ever read anything I read again and .... "Laughs I'll stop being SpasiticGirl in a minute and get a grip.

Okay I have a grip now. But really I try to take my time before I say something because my natural inclination is to be implusive and I don't really want to be that impulsive anymore. So here are my thoughts on writing and reading fanfiction and why I write. It's still a bit disorganized but my thoughts tend to wander around.

VictoriaP says things here . She talks about internal and external writers--those writers who write and the audience isn't the main focus and those writers who write for the audience. She draws the distiction quite well.

I'm interested in writing and reading as ways to explore emotions and connections. As a reader fanfiction asks me to look at characters and situations that have been presented to me one way and look at them in another way. In a thousand different ways. I see fanfiction as a kalidescope of alternate universes. Which is one reason I have no problem with reading extremely AU stories provided they are well done nor do I have a problem with fanfiction being "Jossed". Because in my eyes all fanfiction, no matter if it's written to be seamless fit inbetween episodes, is an alternate universe. Your characterizations of a cast of characters aren't the same as the writers. Heck even on a show the different writers write one character differently. Look at Anya--she clueless, she gets it, she's funny, she's bitchy--she's an unevenly written character.

As a writer I want my characterizations to be as true to the canonical characterizations as I can be. But my Lex and Clark aren't the same as depicted on tv, they aren't the same as depicted by Grail, or Te, or FayJay, or Victoria P, or anyone but me. Because I'm writing them through AllisonColored Glasses. I'm telling a story not just from Lex's POV or Superman's POV but also from how I I see those characters and that situation. A point of view that may or may not agree with anyone elses. And quite frankly I don't care if my point of view doesn't agree with anyone elses. I do care that I'm faithful in my characterizations. But this is my story that I'm writing for my reasons. Because it's an emotion I want to explore, because the character is in my head telling me how they feel, what they think, why they did something. It's their story through me.

Of course I want to show people my story, I want to get feedback and find out what people think and I do want people to like my story. But I don't need people to like my story. I didn't write it for anyone else but me.

When I show my writing I want people to respond to it. I want to provoke emotion. If they like it---YAY! If they are horrified by it and that's my intention --GREAT! If they are horrified and that wasn't my intention, well that's still cool, not what I had in mind but at least they felt something. And I hope they'd tell me why they were horrified.

As a reader and writer I'm in love with words. I love the way they sound, I love the way they look, I love the way they come together to make patterns and rhythms. I like saying certain words over and over again just because of the way the syllables change or the rhythm alters. I love poetry. I love the reptition and rhythm that poetry gives to words. I have a weakness for repetition and I'm trying to keep it out of my writing, or at least not overuse it. I love stringing words together with "and" , like beads strung together on a necklace. "heat and tension and want and need" clickclickclick as you slide them a long a string (I'm trying not to overuse that either). I read my stories out loud, I write them out loud. I go for walks and think up stories, talk out phrases, I pace the room as I try and think of the right phrase, as I read what I've written. I read what I've written outloud so I can hear how the words rise and fall, if they go slowly or quickly. If they sound cold.

I read poetry the same way---standing up, walking around, out loud, trying to catch the rhythm, trying to find the movement. I read passages of books that way, or other fanfics like that---out loud, in hushed tones, in loud tones, up and moving if the story calls for it.

Writing and reading is a full body experience for me. It's a love affair.