Collected Thoughts

A few months ago I told my shrink "hey I wanna go off the topomax, I feel muddle headed all the time, I think it's because of it." He said "sure okay, try it." So I did. And I felt less muddle headed, I could think of words. Except of course I started getting depressed and short tempered. So I thought, in the height of arrogance, hey! I'll give it a month. HA! So now I'm freaking out because I realized fuck a month I need it now! So I got a refill and started taking it and now I'm panicky.

I'm in full overwhelmed, my god I can't do anything slacker mode. My room looks like a hurricane came through. I need to have it looking spotless by Saturday because I'm busy all day Sunday, Mom and I are flying out first thing Monday AM, my brother is coming in the day before Thanksgiving and staying in my room.

I have that low level feeling of dread and I don't want to do anything. How in the hell I managed to write On the Edge is beyond me. I'm feeling crappy about it because I haven't had any feedgback and while a big part of me says "I like it so feedback doesn't matter" another part of me thinks "my god why in the hell am I writing". But the Buffistas liked it.

I'm sitting here when I should be grocery shopping. I'm sitting here when I should be doing laundry and cleaning my room. I'm sitting here on the edge of a panic attack. And there's nothing I can take for it. My klonopin is out of date.

I'm going to have to get a refill for an anti anxiety as needed med any way because I'm starting back to school in Jan.

School, another damn reason to panic.

And in chat the other night I had someone give me the "you aren't living up to your potential" lecture. Because I'm going to votech school and not univeristy or even community college. And I want to say---fuck! I know I'm smart enough and good enough and god damnit people like me. But I'm just not ready and shit I need employable skills. And it took me a long time to get to this point. But she doesn't know that and I hate having to go through my life story because it makes me sound pathetic and spoiled. Which you know, I kinda am.

But I can't do anything about the past I can only work on the future. And right now it's all about the baby steps. Little tiny itty bitty baby steps.

I can look and say. Okay I fucked up and waited to late too go back on my meds. But at least I wasn't too arrogant to wait until I was in a real mess. And I didn't mess up and screw up school. And I'm not going to do that. Okay, yeah I'm still too damn scared to do alot of things and I'm too damn scared sometimes to try and reach out. It's so much easier not to push myself. I just don't know how to do it sometimes.

I'm stuck right now. After I do the immediate stuff (grocery shopping, room) I don't know what to do or where to go.School is a direction. I need more of a direction. Fuck. I hate this.