posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
askye at 11:51am on 19/11/2002
askye at 11:51am on 19/11/2002A few months ago I told my shrink "hey I wanna go off the topomax, I feel muddle headed all the time, I think it's because of it." He said "sure okay, try it." So I did. And I felt less muddle headed, I could think of words. Except of course I started getting depressed and short tempered. So I thought, in the height of arrogance, hey! I'll give it a month. HA! So now I'm freaking out because I realized fuck a month I need it now! So I got a refill and started taking it and now I'm panicky.
I'm in full overwhelmed, my god I can't do anything slacker mode. My room looks like a hurricane came through. I need to have it looking spotless by Saturday because I'm busy all day Sunday, Mom and I are flying out first thing Monday AM, my brother is coming in the day before Thanksgiving and staying in my room.
I have that low level feeling of dread and I don't want to do anything. How in the hell I managed to write On the Edge is beyond me. I'm feeling crappy about it because I haven't had any feedgback and while a big part of me says "I like it so feedback doesn't matter" another part of me thinks "my god why in the hell am I writing". But the Buffistas liked it.
I'm sitting here when I should be grocery shopping. I'm sitting here when I should be doing laundry and cleaning my room. I'm sitting here on the edge of a panic attack. And there's nothing I can take for it. My klonopin is out of date.
I'm going to have to get a refill for an anti anxiety as needed med any way because I'm starting back to school in Jan.
School, another damn reason to panic.
And in chat the other night I had someone give me the "you aren't living up to your potential" lecture. Because I'm going to votech school and not univeristy or even community college. And I want to say---fuck! I know I'm smart enough and good enough and god damnit people like me. But I'm just not ready and shit I need employable skills. And it took me a long time to get to this point. But she doesn't know that and I hate having to go through my life story because it makes me sound pathetic and spoiled. Which you know, I kinda am.
But I can't do anything about the past I can only work on the future. And right now it's all about the baby steps. Little tiny itty bitty baby steps.
I can look and say. Okay I fucked up and waited to late too go back on my meds. But at least I wasn't too arrogant to wait until I was in a real mess. And I didn't mess up and screw up school. And I'm not going to do that. Okay, yeah I'm still too damn scared to do alot of things and I'm too damn scared sometimes to try and reach out. It's so much easier not to push myself. I just don't know how to do it sometimes.
I'm stuck right now. After I do the immediate stuff (grocery shopping, room) I don't know what to do or where to go.School is a direction. I need more of a direction. Fuck. I hate this.
I'm in full overwhelmed, my god I can't do anything slacker mode. My room looks like a hurricane came through. I need to have it looking spotless by Saturday because I'm busy all day Sunday, Mom and I are flying out first thing Monday AM, my brother is coming in the day before Thanksgiving and staying in my room.
I have that low level feeling of dread and I don't want to do anything. How in the hell I managed to write On the Edge is beyond me. I'm feeling crappy about it because I haven't had any feedgback and while a big part of me says "I like it so feedback doesn't matter" another part of me thinks "my god why in the hell am I writing". But the Buffistas liked it.
I'm sitting here when I should be grocery shopping. I'm sitting here when I should be doing laundry and cleaning my room. I'm sitting here on the edge of a panic attack. And there's nothing I can take for it. My klonopin is out of date.
I'm going to have to get a refill for an anti anxiety as needed med any way because I'm starting back to school in Jan.
School, another damn reason to panic.
And in chat the other night I had someone give me the "you aren't living up to your potential" lecture. Because I'm going to votech school and not univeristy or even community college. And I want to say---fuck! I know I'm smart enough and good enough and god damnit people like me. But I'm just not ready and shit I need employable skills. And it took me a long time to get to this point. But she doesn't know that and I hate having to go through my life story because it makes me sound pathetic and spoiled. Which you know, I kinda am.
But I can't do anything about the past I can only work on the future. And right now it's all about the baby steps. Little tiny itty bitty baby steps.
I can look and say. Okay I fucked up and waited to late too go back on my meds. But at least I wasn't too arrogant to wait until I was in a real mess. And I didn't mess up and screw up school. And I'm not going to do that. Okay, yeah I'm still too damn scared to do alot of things and I'm too damn scared sometimes to try and reach out. It's so much easier not to push myself. I just don't know how to do it sometimes.
I'm stuck right now. After I do the immediate stuff (grocery shopping, room) I don't know what to do or where to go.School is a direction. I need more of a direction. Fuck. I hate this.
uncomfortable
Klonopin
Sweetie, what's the date on it? You can actually take meds past their exp. date.
Call your pharmacist, explain the situation -- including the fact that you're about to go into full-blown panic attack -- tell him/her the exp. date of the klonopin, and find out if you can take it.
Re: Klonopin
Re: Klonopin
Re: Klonopin
Re: Klonopin
(no subject)
If anyone bugs you about potential blah blah blah, just either a: smack them, or b: (what? I'm passive aggressive, so sue me) say "thank you, but I had some health problems a while back, I would like to get back on my own two feet as quickly as possible, and this is the best way for me to do so." Which should Shut Them The Fuck Up.
Remember, if you need to vent, even if I'm not online, you can email me.
(no subject)
I'm really excited about school though.
I will remember to email you, I forget sometimes that yeah! there are people out there.
(no subject)
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(no subject)
You are doing the best things for yourself, and you're the one who knows it.
Also, if you want to let the folks who are nagging you know that they are, but stop short of the smackdown, you can always say "Why would you say that to me?" or "Why are you telling me this?" That usually stops 'em.
(no subject)
You will be employable.
Notice that I am a college senior, having fun writing useless papers on fanfiction regulation, but I have no job prospects. None. At all. I am jobless. I'm going to graduate, and then where am I going to be? Living in a cardboard box? Convincing my parents to let me stay at home for a few months until I find something (which will probably be utterly dull and painful)?
In today's job market, big name "higher" education is not helping.
So, in the end, students with college degrees (like me) will be complete stressballs with no money, and you will have skills and a career office determined to acheive 95% job placement.
Take heart. And thank you for filling out my survey. (Maybe the government will decide fanfiction is a real and productive market and let me study it with a grant? But then I'd have to do actual econometrics . . . ick!),
Janine
(no subject)
Plus I had fun filling out your survey. I love surveys AND it was for economics, which has a small special place in my heart (my Dad is an economist).