Collected Thoughts

100 Things About Me!

Damnit this better go through!

1. Right now I'm listening to Dance til You Burn a Mix CD that was sent to me by an online friend in Australia. It kicks ass.

2. I love to dance, I've always loved to dance, even when I look like a geek I still love it.

3. I haven't been to a club in ages. I miss it, actually I only ever went to one club (I'm kind of territorial in a way). But I had a ton of fun.

4. Currently I'm taking ballroom dance lessons--and it's fucking great! So much damn fun. Sepcifically I'm focusing on: tango, hustle, merenege, rumba, waltz, and cha cha. I really want to learn West Coast Swing. And salsa. And samba. Oh hell I want to learn it ALL!!!

5. Polka is fun. No really it is. I'm not good at it but it's fun.

6. I'm right handed but my right side is not my dominant side. Why?

7. My right leg is shorter than my left by a considerable amount, not enough for a lift, but pretty close. My right foot, hand, ear, and boob are smaller than my left. My right foot turns in slightly, this is only noticeable when I'm lying down or when I'm tired and not walking very carefully. My right leg stopped growing before my left when I hit my growth spurt. However, when I was little kid I had to wear corrective shoes for my right foot turning in.

8. My vision in my right eye is worse in my left eye. This year I got new glasses for the first time in 7 yrs. I've had my eyes examined since then but opted not to get new lenses. Until this Nov I didn't think my vision was really that bad, I would say "I just need my glasses to watch tv or drive." HA!

My vision is worse than RayK's. However his vision isn't as bad as some fic makes it out to be.

9. I love the physical act of writing. Not writing stories but the physical act of pen on paper and drawing the words. I can sit and fill up a page writing the same word over and over again just because I like the way it feels or I want to alter my handwriting a little. I also remember things better when I physically write them down.

10. I keep a journal, very erratically. I rarely go back and read it, however I like to use it for as an "info/emotional dump" to get whatever is in my head out. Once it's done on paper I feel better. Although a lot of my journal is just boring shit about my day, I keep all my journals but they won't be of any use to anyone.

11. I suck at picking a favorite anything, or in trying to pin down what influences my writing or stuff like that and I can't just list them because the context is important. Like I can say Agatha Christie and Louis L'amour, but what's improtant is that we always had books by those two down at the beach and so I read them together, so they are linked in my mind and mingled not seperated in far away categories.

12. The Addams Family, a book of Charles Addams New York drawings, To Build a Fire, A Rose for Emily, and Sweeny Todd, are all entwined as well. I watched reruns of The Addams Family when I was younger, I wanted to BE an Addams. Then in middle school, at the library I found the book of drawings, which I checked out over and over (I have pages of it memorized). Also in middle school I read To Build a Fire and A Rose for Emily. To Build a Fire appealed to my dark vengenace side and A Rose for Emily appealed to the dark romantic side. Fast on their heels came the first time I saw Sweeny Todd.

My god. Sweeny Todd. I was enraptured. The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I went around singing that for days.

13. The big deal for me and my brother, when we were little, wa staying up Saturday nights to watch Dr. Who. This also influenced me.

14. My favorite Roald Dahl book is The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

15. When I was 8 I tried to memorize "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes...it's a beautiful, dark, angsty, doomed romance full of betrayal, literal self sacrifce, death, and ghosts.

16. When I was young I was a towhead, it's darkened with age, but I lighten it. So I can still say that on the outside, I'm a plain blonde vanilla---on the inside--bitter dark chocolate.

You know how you hear people say "There's a thin person inside me!"? Well there's a Goth in me. Perky Goth, most likely but Goth nonetheless.

17. I saw Lost Boys so many times my Mom stopped renting it for me, not because of the content but because she didn't want to rent it anymore for me.

18. I wanted to paint silver crosses as a border across the top of my walls. I didn't care what the rest of the walls were, I wanted those crosses. My ideas got shot down.

19. After reading Bridge to Terabithia I wanted a room with golden walls. That got shot down as well.

20. I'm rather unorganized in my personal life and easily distracted by shiny objects...(oohhhh sparkly....)

21. When I was 21 nothing exciting happend, except I could drink, which was no big deal because I couldn't since I was on medication. So I bought alcohol for my brother's parties when he came home from the Marines. Prior to turning 21 Mom would supply beer for him. Her logic was "If the Government thinks my son is responsible enough to fight and die for the country then he's responsible enough to drink."

22. The first time I bought alcohol I was not carded. I was disappointed. I was also buying a shit load of liquor.

23. I'm undereducated and partly it's my fault and partly there are extenuating circumstances. Like the crappy school I went to in 10th grade.

24. My Math SAT Score was 200 pts lower than my Verbal score. Also I didn't study for the SATs.

25. Because of school I missed and the stupidass 10th grade I ended up taking Algebra 2 and Geometry my senior year.

26. I'm slightly self conscious about my lack of education, even though I know if I read more I could beef up my education.

27. I'm 29

28. I don't have a college degree. College and I haven't agreed with each other.

29. I'm in vocational techincal school studying to be a legal secreatary--and it's fucking great!

30. I have bipolar disorder, I was diagonsised when I was 27. It will be three years ago this summer. I have only been on the right combo of meds since this spring.

31. Undiagnosised bioplar disorder would be the extenuating circumstances I was talking about. Looking back on my life, it's very easy to see that I showed signs of Early Onset Bipolar Disorder. Except when I was 9 or 10 most doctors didn't believe that kids could have a mental illness.

32. I try not to get frustrated over the time I lost, because that doesn't get me anywhere. Spending time being pissed off and resentful is spending time I could be doing something else.

33. At 15 I was misdiagnosised with clinical depression. I've been on a lot of different anti depressants.

34. My bipolar disorder presents with more depressive cycles and then hypomanias with very few actual manic cycles.

35. I used to say (back before I actually knew what the hell was wrong with me) that despite all the pain and frustration that if I was offered a chance to live my life over without the depression I wouldn't do it, because I would be someone different.

I still feel that way.

I'm not solely defined by my illness but it's been a huge factor in shaping me. And who would I be without it? Not just my personality or the compassion I think it's given me but the way my mind works, the way I make mental connections when I'm figuring out things.

36. I love the beach. The Beach, my beach, the place my family owns and has gone to forever. It's not much the actual buildings, they are old and not fancy. They aren't the point, it's the connection to the land. I go there to reconnect with myself. The closest thing we have as an extended family to a family home is there, the closest thing we have as an immediate family to a family home is there. It's my childhood playground, my grandmother's kitchen, the place where I heard stories and had adventures and made up my own stories and adventures.

I can walk the shore twice a day , three times a day, after the tide, during the tides, and it's always the same and never the same. Every day is different, every month, every season, every year. If I could take you there I could tell you the story of the land, how it's changed just in my memory. The shape of the shore line, the sandbars that have moved and shifted, the creek that is ever changing.

And then I could tell you the stories of the people or the animals I've encountered.

37. I'm verbose.

38. I love words. Saying them, writing them, running them over. I love craftsmen of words, those people who can take words and make them new and beautiful.

39. I am not a master of words. I have to work at words, perhaps if I had a more intimate relationship with a dictionary I would do better.

40.I'm a terrible speller, I get easily confused with interior vowel combinations. I try to spell words the way I say them rather than the way they are properly pronounced. My online vocabulary is much much smaller and more limited than my spoken vocabulary. If I felt that I could pass off my misspellings off as typos I wouldn't worry, however I mangle many words so badly that SpellCheck can't even recognize them.

41. Spoken words have failed me as well. When I was younger I was an "excitable" child (okay, hell I'm still an excitable adult, but much less so). "Excitable" = hypomanic. I talked very very very fast, words didn't so much stumble out of my mouth as careen through hairpin turns and land in a tangled mess out in the open. I would start sentences in the middle of my thoughts.

I confused words constantly. I would try for "unexcused" and end up saying "inexcusable" even though I knew the difference. And I would be so intent on what I was saying I wouldn't hear the differnce. Or words would look/sound a like that I would confuse them "emancipated"/"emaciated".

41. But the words would come, the wrong words, but still they were there. In jumbled or odd phrase, weirdly connected. One of the medications I take now makes the words slow or missing all together. I have to struggle...I can see the place where the knowledge was, I can see the endings of the words, the synonyms. But they slip away, kites with their strings cut.

42. I happily trade that side effect for stability.

43. I love dragonflies.

44. I plan on getting a dragonfly tattoo for my next birthday.

45. I don't have a design, still.

46. My favorite color is purple.

47. My favorite gem is amythest.

48. I don't think I've ever truly been in love.

49. I loved my first serious boyfriend very much, but I wasn't in love with him.

50. Although I've been attracted to women as long as I've been attracted to men, I only admitted to myself that, yes that's physical attraction and not simply asthetic admiration, last Jan.

51. I crushed on Daisy Duke and Princess Ardala from Buck Rogers. Actually I wouldn't say so much crushed on Ardala as had overwhelming and confusing feelings of lust. She had on this outfit, and these boots...

52. I've only kissed one woman, it was my birthday.

53. My cat is 13 yrs old. I've had her since I was 16. She doesn't act like other 13 yr old cats I've met. She reguarly attacks and kills her play mice. Except she keeps flipping them places that are hard to reach. So I keep buying her more.

54. I didn't get the chicken pox until I as 20.

55. One of my favorite poets is Elinor Wylie, most people I know have never heard of her.

56. I listen to the same cds, songs, tapes, etc over and over again. I read the same books over and over. I like the repitition.

57. I reread books because they are familiar places, or I like the play of words. When I know the book well enough I can let the plot wash away and concentrate on the words. OR I can let the words wash over me and concentrate on the plot. Depends on which has distracted me from the other.

58. Until recently I saw music as "background music" and I would play it while I read or did other things. I would start a cd and then look up and the cd would be over. So the first song, or part of song would be familiar and I wouldn't know the last song at all.

59. I'm a very tactile oriented person. I love walking barefoot, playing in the mud, part of the reason I cook is to play with my food.

60. However I'm sensitive to certain textures. My skin crawls just thinking about textures I've had to walk over, clothes I've had to wear. Food I've had to eat.

61. I like the way strawberries taste, but because of the texture I can only eat a few. I can't eat fresh tomatoes at all. It's not the taste it's the texture, the way the segments and the seeds feel. My skin crawls just thinking about it.

62. I bite my nails.

63. They aren't really short, sometimes they grow past my fingers, barely past but still past. I like being able to touch things with the tips of my fingers.

64. I stopped biting my nails and grew them out once, not very long, but still grown out and I couldn't stand it. I fumbled with everything, when I drug my fingertips across a surface I felt nothing because my fingernails were against the surface. I hated it. So I bit my nails.

65. I hate driving. I hate it.

66. I don't know how to drive a manual transmission. I have no desire to learn. At all.

67. Most of my life I've lived not know what I wanted or having clear cut goals. And now I do:

Get through school

Get a job

Save up money and move.

68. I'm not sure where I want to move to, but I'm making a list of what I want in the city I move to. My list includes good public transportation.

69. Also on the list is: A place to learn Krav Maga. This is completly serenada's influence, although I've had a passing interested in martial arts. But she makes Krav sound so damn fun. Hard but fun.

70. I'm in terrible physical condition so that's another goal to work towards---better physical condition,and working on upper body strength.

71. I have one brother.

72. I never wanted a sister.

73. I'm a Gemini. I think I fit the profile of a Gemini.

74. The largest library fine I've ever had is $75.

75. When I was a kid I took an IQ test or some kind of assessment test and there was a test where I was shown a picture of a design and then there were these half white and half red blocks. The tester showed me how to make the design using the red half of the blocks. Then mixed up the blocks and said I was supposed to do it. Evidentally if your brain works in a certain way you can look at the picture and figure out what to do.

I couldn't. What I can remember is looking at the picture and looking at those blocks, turning them over and over and getting so frustrated because I could see what the finished product was supposed to be. And I had the pieces and I just couldn't even figure out what to do FIRST.

Later Mom told me the test revealed that when I was given a puzzle that had no language attached to it (like the blocks) I couldn't solve it. Or had extreme difficulty. In most cases it was obvious I had no clue where to begin.

76. However, in the puzzles that included language I did very well. I remember being shown these pictures and being asked to tell a story, I remember doing that. It was fun.

77. I can't repeat back lists of numbers. This includes telephone numbers. In general I can't repeat back lists of words in their proper order either.

78. I can only do very basic math in my head. And even then I have to use my fingers or write on my hand or in the air. When I try to add, mutiple, divide, or subtract most numbers I lose track of where the numbers go. I can't picture them well in my head and the slide around.

79. The same thing happens when I try to remember a physical location, the locale expands or contracts...the furniture moves around. When I try to create a space in my imagination it won't stay still either.

80. I have the same problem with trying to figure out how people relate to each other standing next to each other. If I can't see it, I can't really visualize. This is a HUGE reason I haven't written sex in stories.

81. I used to swear all the time. I used profanity like a kid playing with a brand new toy. Until the guy I was dating at the time (Very Vanilla Boyfriend) told me it bothered him so I toned it down. A lot.

Actually it's probably a good thing.

82. There are certain phrases or words I like more than others--fuckity is one. and Mother fucking bastard is the other, with varying emphasis on the different words.

83. I've been to Alaska. I've been to Alaska to see a man I met through an online personals ad. I'm not sure if I was manic when I made the decision, but by the time I got there I was. My ability to reason was so far gone that if he'd said "hey, you want to get married" I would have said "YES!". I'm not joking. I was devesated when I came home.

84. I still have my prom dress from Jr prom.

85. I graduated 10 yrs ago.

86. I did not go to my reunion even though I still live in the same town.

87. I said I'd keep my prom dress until my 10 yr reunion and put it on again, or if I couldn't wear it, give it away.

88. I can't wear it. So come prom season this year I'll donate it to the local charity that gets prom dresses for girls who wouldn't be able to afford them.

89. Graduation was ten years ago...geez. I went to that school for 2 yrs. I went to a total of 7 schools, I lived in one town. I'm not in touch with anyone I went to school with.

90. I have a birthmark on my right thigh. In my baby book Mom has it listed as on my left thigh.

91. Speaking of thighs I forgot to go take the chicken thighs out of the freezer.

92. My online "Speech" is pretty much how I sound in real life. Sort of. Except in real life I have a larger vocabulary because I don't have to spell anything and sometimes I talk with weird inflections.

93. I love watching football. Love it. I go to home college games. I watch Pro games. My favorite teams are Tampa Bay Bucs and the Raiders. GO BUCS!!!!

93. When I was 7 I was completely taken with koalas, I knew all about them. I even wrote a report for second grade, which I still have. I also have all the stuffed koalas I owned then.

94. Winnie the Pooh was one of my favorite books. Or rather, the Winnie the Pooh books were my favorite. My parents would read them outloud to my brother and I, we'd be on the couch or lying in bed and Mom or Dad would read. A story goes that once when Mom was reading to us, with Dad nearby , Mom looked up to find my brother and I asleep so she stopped reading. When she did Dad said "Don't stop, I was listening." So Mom finished the story.

95. My father used to sing to us. Christmas carols, or hymns, all year round, to get us to sleep.

96. I love the night, I'm a night person through and through. I don't want to be up in the morning. I think better late at night. I love walking at night. I'm not afraid of the dark.

97. I collect mini snowglobes.

98. I've seen a Shakespeare play at Stratford on Avon, except it wasn't a famous play so I forget what it was. That was the only professional stage performance I've ever seen.

99. I like travelling, I enjoy the newness of it, the unexpected possiblities. Even just driving to the beach, that's travelling. Well I consider it travelling.

100. I love shopping for gifts for people, I wish I could do it more, but I love finding the right item for someone, it gives me a thrill.