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This is just archiving for me. Stories I've written, trying to get myself inspired to write more.
Lex thinks about how he will first kiss Clark. He thinks about how he will do other things, but those are thoughts for when he is alone. Lex thinks about kissing Clark when he is waiting for meetings to start or end; he thinks about this on those long, boring rides to Metropolis when protocol dictates he use the limousine. He thinks about how Clark will taste and how he will respond. Lex thinks about this now as he makes the ride back to Smallville.
Their first kiss will be slow and sweet.
They will be in the loft. Lex will find some excuse or Clark will want to talk. Lex will feel at ease, like he never does at the mansion or in town or in Metropolis. They will sit side by side on the couch. Lex will think how Clark is close enough to touch--- just lean over and Lex will catch him by surprise. He will slowly kiss Clark. Clark will sigh; his lips parting and Lex will kiss him again, lightly sucking on Clark's lower lip, brushing his tongue over it. Lex will push his tongue past Clark's milky white teeth; their tongues will slide together, gentle and slow. Clark's mouth will be warm and sweet. Lex will caress Clark's upper palate, revel in the slow slide of their tongues, and suck lightly on Clark's tongue, tasting him.
Clark will taste like innocence, like a boy.
Lex will pull back and look at Clark. Clark's eyes will be wide with wonder. His lips will be shiny, red and his mouth will fall open in shock. He won't have that look of surprise he wears so casually; he will look like he's just made a great discovery.
Lex will smile, trying not to show how smug he feels.
Their first kiss will be fumbling and awkward.
Lex will have invited Clark over on some pretense: to watch a DVD, to teach him pool. Clark will tell him about his day: how school was, what chores he did, what his plans for the weekend are. Lex will tell Clark something more interesting than a day spent running a fertilizer plant. But Clark won't have that ease he normally has around Lex, the ease that Clark has only begun to have around Lana, the ease his starting to lose around Chloe. There will be awkward silences filled with tension and longing. Clark will try to say something but stop and start and stop again. Lex will try and assure Clark that he can tell Lex anything. Then Clark will find his courage and reach out or lean forward and Lex will meet him halfway. Clumsiness will overcome Clark, his head will be the wrong angle; their mouths will almost miss. Lex will put his hands on Clark's face, to adjust the angle, brush his lips against Clark's and Clark's mouth will open for him.
Clark will kiss Lex, wet and sloppy and eager. Clark's tongue will move aimlessly in Lex's mouth, pushing in and out; their teeth will clink together. Then Lex will take command. He will slide his tongue over Clark's, soothe him, slow the kiss down, and show Clark what a kiss is supposed to be like. Lex will explore Clark's mouth, tasting him.
Clark will taste like eagerness, like a teenager.
Clark will follow Lex's mouth as they pull away. Lex will look at him and Clark's eyes will be half-open. His face will light up with happiness. He will lick his lips, press them together, tasting.
Lex smiles, trying not to smirk and run his thumb over Clark's mouth.
Their first kiss will be hard and hungry.
It will happen in the barn, in the study, on the grounds; they will have been talking, arguing, or debating. They will be angry or excited or frustrated at the misunderstandings and all the things that have to go unsaid. Lex will be trying to get Clark to understand, to explain, and to say something.
Lex will be in Clark's space, taunting him, pushing him with words, trying to get Clark to push back and he won't. And Lex will have had enough. There will be heat and tension and want and need coiling around them. Lex will shove Clark against the smooth wall of the study, against him down.
Lex's mouth will be hard against Clark's, their lips will mash together. Lex will feel the bite of his own teeth and the force of Clark's. Lex will shove Clark's mouth with one rough sweep of his tongue and suck hard on Clark's tongue.
Clark will taste desire, like a man.
Lex won't give Clark time to reciprocate the kiss; he'll pull back abruptly. Clark will be panting, his face flushed, a needy look on his face. Clark's eyes will look shocked; his lips full and swollen. Clark will look debauched.
Lex will smirk and grab Clark's shirtfront and pull him in for another kiss.
Lex thinks about the variations. He likes to be prepared for everything.
Their first kiss happens in Lex's study. Clark is making one of his regular visits after a delivery. He lets himself into the study and Lex looks up. Clark is leaning against the closed door and he has a look on his face that Lex can't quite place. Clark looks determined and knowing and innocent. Lex gets up and goes to him; he can feel the heat and want and desire filling the air, choking them. Lex knows this is the time and moves into Clark's space. He opens his mouth to say Clark's name, hello, something and Clark's hand is on the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. Clark is leaning forward and their mouths meet. Clark catches Lex's upper lip in his and tugs at his lower lip with his teeth. Then Clark is kissing Lex wild and hungry. He makes broad sweeps over Lex's teeth, against the roof of his mouth, fucks his mouth. Lex brings his hands to Clark's shoulders, clutches at them trying to gain dominance. He sucks on Clark's tongue and hears him make a low moan, feels him thrust his hips hard. Lex kisses Clark fiercely, pushing past soft lips and sharp teeth, thrusts into Clark's mouth and revels in the his taste.
Clark tastes hot and greedy, like a lover.
They break away from each other panting. Clark's eyes look sleepy and knowing. There is a look of desire on his face. His lips are red and puffy; his mouth is open as he slides his tongue over his lips. His eyes go wide for a moment; and then smirks. He looks like sex.
Lex opens his mouth and says, "Fuck".
Clark says, "Please".
Next up... Smallville again, this is one of the first I wrote
Buffy, my Dawn story -- this totally would not have been written without the wonderful bitches at b.org
Oh god my very first fic ever. Which I thought I deleted forever. Well, we'll not say what it was supposed to be, except it was fic based on fanon and fic and not any actual source.
I wrote this way back on Tabletalk
Lex thinks about how he will first kiss Clark. He thinks about how he will do other things, but those are thoughts for when he is alone. Lex thinks about kissing Clark when he is waiting for meetings to start or end; he thinks about this on those long, boring rides to Metropolis when protocol dictates he use the limousine. He thinks about how Clark will taste and how he will respond. Lex thinks about this now as he makes the ride back to Smallville.
Their first kiss will be slow and sweet.
They will be in the loft. Lex will find some excuse or Clark will want to talk. Lex will feel at ease, like he never does at the mansion or in town or in Metropolis. They will sit side by side on the couch. Lex will think how Clark is close enough to touch--- just lean over and Lex will catch him by surprise. He will slowly kiss Clark. Clark will sigh; his lips parting and Lex will kiss him again, lightly sucking on Clark's lower lip, brushing his tongue over it. Lex will push his tongue past Clark's milky white teeth; their tongues will slide together, gentle and slow. Clark's mouth will be warm and sweet. Lex will caress Clark's upper palate, revel in the slow slide of their tongues, and suck lightly on Clark's tongue, tasting him.
Clark will taste like innocence, like a boy.
Lex will pull back and look at Clark. Clark's eyes will be wide with wonder. His lips will be shiny, red and his mouth will fall open in shock. He won't have that look of surprise he wears so casually; he will look like he's just made a great discovery.
Lex will smile, trying not to show how smug he feels.
Their first kiss will be fumbling and awkward.
Lex will have invited Clark over on some pretense: to watch a DVD, to teach him pool. Clark will tell him about his day: how school was, what chores he did, what his plans for the weekend are. Lex will tell Clark something more interesting than a day spent running a fertilizer plant. But Clark won't have that ease he normally has around Lex, the ease that Clark has only begun to have around Lana, the ease his starting to lose around Chloe. There will be awkward silences filled with tension and longing. Clark will try to say something but stop and start and stop again. Lex will try and assure Clark that he can tell Lex anything. Then Clark will find his courage and reach out or lean forward and Lex will meet him halfway. Clumsiness will overcome Clark, his head will be the wrong angle; their mouths will almost miss. Lex will put his hands on Clark's face, to adjust the angle, brush his lips against Clark's and Clark's mouth will open for him.
Clark will kiss Lex, wet and sloppy and eager. Clark's tongue will move aimlessly in Lex's mouth, pushing in and out; their teeth will clink together. Then Lex will take command. He will slide his tongue over Clark's, soothe him, slow the kiss down, and show Clark what a kiss is supposed to be like. Lex will explore Clark's mouth, tasting him.
Clark will taste like eagerness, like a teenager.
Clark will follow Lex's mouth as they pull away. Lex will look at him and Clark's eyes will be half-open. His face will light up with happiness. He will lick his lips, press them together, tasting.
Lex smiles, trying not to smirk and run his thumb over Clark's mouth.
Their first kiss will be hard and hungry.
It will happen in the barn, in the study, on the grounds; they will have been talking, arguing, or debating. They will be angry or excited or frustrated at the misunderstandings and all the things that have to go unsaid. Lex will be trying to get Clark to understand, to explain, and to say something.
Lex will be in Clark's space, taunting him, pushing him with words, trying to get Clark to push back and he won't. And Lex will have had enough. There will be heat and tension and want and need coiling around them. Lex will shove Clark against the smooth wall of the study, against him down.
Lex's mouth will be hard against Clark's, their lips will mash together. Lex will feel the bite of his own teeth and the force of Clark's. Lex will shove Clark's mouth with one rough sweep of his tongue and suck hard on Clark's tongue.
Clark will taste desire, like a man.
Lex won't give Clark time to reciprocate the kiss; he'll pull back abruptly. Clark will be panting, his face flushed, a needy look on his face. Clark's eyes will look shocked; his lips full and swollen. Clark will look debauched.
Lex will smirk and grab Clark's shirtfront and pull him in for another kiss.
Lex thinks about the variations. He likes to be prepared for everything.
Their first kiss happens in Lex's study. Clark is making one of his regular visits after a delivery. He lets himself into the study and Lex looks up. Clark is leaning against the closed door and he has a look on his face that Lex can't quite place. Clark looks determined and knowing and innocent. Lex gets up and goes to him; he can feel the heat and want and desire filling the air, choking them. Lex knows this is the time and moves into Clark's space. He opens his mouth to say Clark's name, hello, something and Clark's hand is on the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. Clark is leaning forward and their mouths meet. Clark catches Lex's upper lip in his and tugs at his lower lip with his teeth. Then Clark is kissing Lex wild and hungry. He makes broad sweeps over Lex's teeth, against the roof of his mouth, fucks his mouth. Lex brings his hands to Clark's shoulders, clutches at them trying to gain dominance. He sucks on Clark's tongue and hears him make a low moan, feels him thrust his hips hard. Lex kisses Clark fiercely, pushing past soft lips and sharp teeth, thrusts into Clark's mouth and revels in the his taste.
Clark tastes hot and greedy, like a lover.
They break away from each other panting. Clark's eyes look sleepy and knowing. There is a look of desire on his face. His lips are red and puffy; his mouth is open as he slides his tongue over his lips. His eyes go wide for a moment; and then smirks. He looks like sex.
Lex opens his mouth and says, "Fuck".
Clark says, "Please".
Next up... Smallville again, this is one of the first I wrote
Lex sits in his darkened room, going over the events of the day.
He'd been at the bank when it had been seized. When the thieves came in Lex had concealed himself, he didn't want to be seen and be singled out to become a "special" hostage. He had been fairly certain that if he had been discovered by the thieves and taken for ransom that his board of directors wouldn't save him, that they'd give in to the demands. No one had tried to save Lex in years. Lex had felt cowardly hiding, he had felt that someone should save these people, but he wasn't the one to do it. Besides Metropolis had its own mysterious superhero. Superman, who always came in with a blur and saved the day, always in the right place at the right time---it reminded him of Clark. Many things reminded him of Clark. There was a blur of motion; the thieves were foiled, everyone was saved. Expect Lex. Somehow, Lex was never truly saved. And then his world shattered when he heard these words:
"Is everyone safe? Wait here until the police come."
Superman had slowed down, but somehow he was still blurry and out of focus. But his voice was clear and perfect, his voice was recognizable to someone who heard it in his sleep, in his dreams, in his thoughts--to someone who replayed it endlessly in his head.
"Is everyone okay? Wait here until the police come."
Lex wasn't okay. He had never been okay, never been right. He had always been waiting for something, for someone to rescue him. Lex flashed on the first night he saw Clark, the night he thought he'd killed Clark. Lex remembered how his world shattered as his car shattered the railing, how his world shattered when he came back to life with Clark's mouth on his-- rescuing him, saving him. Clark breathing life into his body, breathing life into his soul. Clark had given him a second chance. Everyone else expected him to be like his father, but only Clark expected him to be Lex. Clark could rescue him, Clark could save him, Clark could absolve him.
"Is everyone okay? Wait here until the police come."
Lex hasn't been okay in years; he's been far, far from okay. At times Lex doubts his sanity. His world has been shattered so many times he wonders about his obsessions, his addictions: do they make him insane? He knows they've made him unstable, driven him to sitting in dark, laying his soul bare to memories and his mind bare to that which was lost: Clark.
Lex had lost Clark in away he'd never imagined. He'd always thought he'd be the one to end their relationship, that he'd be cruel and cutting and tell Clark it had been fun and games, but now he was ready to move on. Lex thought he'd get out of the relationship before things got too complicated and too involved, before he was in too deep and in too far, before it was too late. And then it was. Instead, Lex had stood there trying to comprehend the words Clark stumbled over, words that ended, words that shattered. Lex had held everything in, held everything back and flatly asked, "Is there someone else?"
Clark looked down and blushed. Lex remembered wondering when was the last time he had seen Clark blush? Years before, ages before when Clark was young, when Clark was *his*. And then Clark was gone, no longer his, but still the man he loved. Still the man he wanted but---gone. Lex had assumed that Clark's new man was someone younger, someone more carefree, someone less like Lex. Someone without secrets, who didn't cling to Clark in the dark, desperate for absolution. Someone who wasn't too proud or too scared to expose his emotions in the daylight, who need didn't the cover of darkness to bare what he could of his soul. Someone who wasn't addicted and desperate and pleading in the dark. Lex had let Clark go without a fight or fuss. Lex didn't beg or plead, not in the daylight. He hadn't even looked to see who the new man was. He didn't torture himself in daylight, where all could see. He only tortured himself, in the darkness, baring his soul only to pictures, to memories, to flannel. He was still addicted, still dependent. He wanted to destroy the one who stole Clark from him, but he knew he couldn't. He knew if he did Clark would hate him and look on him with contempt. Lex was weak enough--he couldn't handle that.
"Is everyone safe?"
Lex sits in the darkness, running his hands over flannel, replaying the voice in his mind.
"Is everyone safe?"
Clark had always come running to his rescue, been there to save him, and yet somehow never absolved him. Today he was there again, without even knowing it--saving Lex, rescuing him. Lex had fought the urge to call out Clark's name. It was on his lips now--
*Clark*.
The name was always on his lips in the dark, when he indulged his addiction, his desperation, his secret. Lex had many secrets. He'd kept most from Clark, just as Clark had kept secrets from him. They'd both known they were keeping secrets, both skirted the issue, neither one pressing the other. It was as if they both knew if their secrets were revealed they might shatter. Now Lex knows Clark's secret. He knows why Clark and who Clark left him for--Superman. But Clark doesn't know Lex's secrets. He doesn't know all that Lex hid from him while they were together, he doesn't know all that Lex has hidden while they were apart.
Lex understands now, finally understands, for Clark to truly rescue him, to truly save him, to finally give absolution, he needs to know all of Lex's secrets. He needs to know that Lex knows his secret. Lex understands what he didn't when Clark left: that in order to get him back Lex has to lay his secrets out in the daylight.
He knows now, with perfect clarity. He will lay his secrets out in the daylight and his secrets will draw Clark's secret to him and their worlds will shatter.
Lex understands now, finally understands. For Clark to truly rescue him, to truly save him, to finally give absolution, Clark needs to know all of Lex's secrets. He needs to know that Lex knows *his* secrets. Lex now understands what he hadn't when Clark left: that in order to get Clark back, Lex has to lay his secrets out in the daylight.
Lex runs his hands over flannel, over pictures, over memories; he seems to know with perfect clarity. Lay his secrets out in the daylight. His secrets will draw Clark to him, and their worlds will shatter.
He'd been at the bank when it had been seized. When the thieves came in Lex had concealed himself, he didn't want to be seen and be singled out to become a "special" hostage. He had been fairly certain that if he had been discovered by the thieves and taken for ransom that his board of directors wouldn't save him, that they'd give in to the demands. No one had tried to save Lex in years. Lex had felt cowardly hiding, he had felt that someone should save these people, but he wasn't the one to do it. Besides Metropolis had its own mysterious superhero. Superman, who always came in with a blur and saved the day, always in the right place at the right time---it reminded him of Clark. Many things reminded him of Clark. There was a blur of motion; the thieves were foiled, everyone was saved. Expect Lex. Somehow, Lex was never truly saved. And then his world shattered when he heard these words:
"Is everyone safe? Wait here until the police come."
Superman had slowed down, but somehow he was still blurry and out of focus. But his voice was clear and perfect, his voice was recognizable to someone who heard it in his sleep, in his dreams, in his thoughts--to someone who replayed it endlessly in his head.
"Is everyone okay? Wait here until the police come."
Lex wasn't okay. He had never been okay, never been right. He had always been waiting for something, for someone to rescue him. Lex flashed on the first night he saw Clark, the night he thought he'd killed Clark. Lex remembered how his world shattered as his car shattered the railing, how his world shattered when he came back to life with Clark's mouth on his-- rescuing him, saving him. Clark breathing life into his body, breathing life into his soul. Clark had given him a second chance. Everyone else expected him to be like his father, but only Clark expected him to be Lex. Clark could rescue him, Clark could save him, Clark could absolve him.
"Is everyone okay? Wait here until the police come."
Lex hasn't been okay in years; he's been far, far from okay. At times Lex doubts his sanity. His world has been shattered so many times he wonders about his obsessions, his addictions: do they make him insane? He knows they've made him unstable, driven him to sitting in dark, laying his soul bare to memories and his mind bare to that which was lost: Clark.
Lex had lost Clark in away he'd never imagined. He'd always thought he'd be the one to end their relationship, that he'd be cruel and cutting and tell Clark it had been fun and games, but now he was ready to move on. Lex thought he'd get out of the relationship before things got too complicated and too involved, before he was in too deep and in too far, before it was too late. And then it was. Instead, Lex had stood there trying to comprehend the words Clark stumbled over, words that ended, words that shattered. Lex had held everything in, held everything back and flatly asked, "Is there someone else?"
Clark looked down and blushed. Lex remembered wondering when was the last time he had seen Clark blush? Years before, ages before when Clark was young, when Clark was *his*. And then Clark was gone, no longer his, but still the man he loved. Still the man he wanted but---gone. Lex had assumed that Clark's new man was someone younger, someone more carefree, someone less like Lex. Someone without secrets, who didn't cling to Clark in the dark, desperate for absolution. Someone who wasn't too proud or too scared to expose his emotions in the daylight, who need didn't the cover of darkness to bare what he could of his soul. Someone who wasn't addicted and desperate and pleading in the dark. Lex had let Clark go without a fight or fuss. Lex didn't beg or plead, not in the daylight. He hadn't even looked to see who the new man was. He didn't torture himself in daylight, where all could see. He only tortured himself, in the darkness, baring his soul only to pictures, to memories, to flannel. He was still addicted, still dependent. He wanted to destroy the one who stole Clark from him, but he knew he couldn't. He knew if he did Clark would hate him and look on him with contempt. Lex was weak enough--he couldn't handle that.
"Is everyone safe?"
Lex sits in the darkness, running his hands over flannel, replaying the voice in his mind.
"Is everyone safe?"
Clark had always come running to his rescue, been there to save him, and yet somehow never absolved him. Today he was there again, without even knowing it--saving Lex, rescuing him. Lex had fought the urge to call out Clark's name. It was on his lips now--
*Clark*.
The name was always on his lips in the dark, when he indulged his addiction, his desperation, his secret. Lex had many secrets. He'd kept most from Clark, just as Clark had kept secrets from him. They'd both known they were keeping secrets, both skirted the issue, neither one pressing the other. It was as if they both knew if their secrets were revealed they might shatter. Now Lex knows Clark's secret. He knows why Clark and who Clark left him for--Superman. But Clark doesn't know Lex's secrets. He doesn't know all that Lex hid from him while they were together, he doesn't know all that Lex has hidden while they were apart.
Lex understands now, finally understands, for Clark to truly rescue him, to truly save him, to finally give absolution, he needs to know all of Lex's secrets. He needs to know that Lex knows his secret. Lex understands what he didn't when Clark left: that in order to get him back Lex has to lay his secrets out in the daylight.
He knows now, with perfect clarity. He will lay his secrets out in the daylight and his secrets will draw Clark's secret to him and their worlds will shatter.
Lex understands now, finally understands. For Clark to truly rescue him, to truly save him, to finally give absolution, Clark needs to know all of Lex's secrets. He needs to know that Lex knows *his* secrets. Lex now understands what he hadn't when Clark left: that in order to get Clark back, Lex has to lay his secrets out in the daylight.
Lex runs his hands over flannel, over pictures, over memories; he seems to know with perfect clarity. Lay his secrets out in the daylight. His secrets will draw Clark to him, and their worlds will shatter.
Buffy, my Dawn story -- this totally would not have been written without the wonderful bitches at b.org
April 21, 2001
Dear Diary,
Buffy's dead. It's been a week since she leapt off the tower to close the portal and I still don't believe it. She's gone and Mom is gone. They are dead and I don't have any family. I'm so alone. And no one understands, no one knows what it's like to be me, to lose your mom and your sister. No one knows what it's like to have your sister be the Slayer. No one knows what it's like to have your sister sacrifice herself to save you. To save the world. And I don't know where my dad is. No one can find him. Buffy couldn't find him when Mom died. Giles can't find my father now that Buffy is dead. Will he be able to find my dad if I die? Will my dad even know who I am if they find him? Did the monks make memories for him? Or will he just remember Buffy? I feel so alone. I hate this. I hate my life. All I can do is cry and cry and miss Buffy and miss Mom. I want them back. I wish the monks had never made me. If they had never made me then Mom wouldn't have died, then Buffy would be alive. It's all my fault. I hate myself for being alive.
April 25, 2001
Dear Diary,
Every night I dream about Buffy and Mom. About the way things used to be. Every morning I wake up thinking they are alive. I hate waking up. I wish I could dream forever.
April 28, 2001
Dear Diary,
I feel like a freak on display. Everyone looks at me but no one talks to me. Giles, Spike, Xander when he comes over here. I just want to be left alone! But they won't let me be alone. I haven't been to school since Buffy died, but that doesn't mean I've been alone. Spike stays here with me. He won't leave me alone He said he made a promise to Buffy that he'd protect me. He only goes out occasionally. Giles stays here now too, when he's not at the Magic Box. I have to have a guardian. Someone to take care of me, Giles is doing that right now because he can't find my dad. But I'll need a real guardian if my dad doesn't show up soon. That's what Giles says, at least. I need a guardian because I'm a kid. I don't feel like a kid, I feel like I'm a million years old.
Willow and Tara have been to visit a few times but that was weird. Tara acted strange. I think Glory's brain suck still affects her. Willow cried a lot and didn't say much. I got mad at her--why is she crying? I'm the one that lost my sister. What did Willow lose? Why is Willow so upset? Why does she come here to cry? They haven't been back that much, Willow said she has school work. Xander's been here four times. He can't come more often because of his job and Anya's in the hospital. Her pelvis was broken when stuff fell on her. That's my fault. It's all my fault. If I wasn't created Anya would be okay, Mom would be alive and Buffy would be alive. They'd be happy. Everyone would be happy. Instead everyone is sad. I wish I was never created. I haven't been to visit Anya in the hospital. Xander asked me if I wanted to go, but I didn't feel like it. I thought Anya would blame me for what happened. I didn't tell him that though. I should go see her I guess. That would be the nice thing to do. I wish Buffy were here.
April 29, 2001
Dear Diary,
I went and saw Anya. I waited until after dark so Spike could go with me. She was happy to see me. She showed me her ring, she and Xander are engaged. Xander didn't tell me before because Anya wanted to tell me. She's happy. And sad. She told me that: happy that she and Xander are getting married but sad because Buffy is dead. She even cried a little bit. She doesn't blame me for what happened. She blames Glory. She said that. After we left the hospital Spike and I got flowers and went to Buffy's grave. We didn't say anything we just put the flowers there and stood there. I cried. I think Spike even cried, I'm not sure because a vampire attacked us. Spike killed her. But we ran home. Spike was mad, because we went to the cemetery after dark...but I just wanted to go to Buffy's grave. Giles was mad at Spike they're yelling at each other. I think I'm
grounded, I think Spike's grounded. I don't know. I have a headache. It wasn't Spike's fault, he didn't really want to go to the cemetery but I begged him. I should go tell Giles that, that it's all my fault. That everything is my fault. I can't do anything right. I'm such a loser. I'm the one who should have died.
April 30, 2001
Dear Diary,
Giles says I have to go back to school---and Spike AGREES!! I can't believe it! I thought Spike would be on my side! They say tomorrow I have to go back. Also Giles says after school there is going to be a meeting with everyone (except Anya). He won't say about what. I won't go to school tomorrow. I'll skip. I won't do it! I hate them for making me go back there! I hate them both. They don't understand! Everyone will stare at me and say things behind my back. Say things about me, like Kirstie did when I cut my arm after I found about not being real. They'll talk about Buffy, make up lies about her, like they did about me. And I won't be able to defend her because I can't tell the truth. Who would believe me? I hate them all. I just want to die. If I was dead I'd be with Mom and Buffy, then we'd be happy. I just want to be happy again. I'll never be happy again. Not as long as I live. I know it. How can I ever be happy again? I just want to go to sleep and dream. In my dreams I'm happy. I want to be able to dream forever. Be with Mom and Buffy, be a family again. I wonder if there's a spell that will cause you to dream forever, sleep forever. Not that I could find one at the Magic Box, whenever I go looking at books Willow or Giles wants to know why. They don't trust me. Willow hasn't come over to visit again, but she works at the Magic Box so I see her there. I don't talk to her a lot. We don't have much to say. I think she blames me for Buffy's death. I think she thinks I should have jumped, since I'm not real. I think she thinks it's my fault Tara was brain sucked. Tara isn't back to normal either. I've only seen her a few times but she acts scared all the time and she says funny things. I saw Willow crying at the Magic Box, I think it was over Tara. I'm not sure. I guess I feel bad for Willow. It's just so hard to feel sorry for her. I feel so bad for me. That sounds selfish. But I feel so alone and so sad all the time because of Buffy and Mom, it's hard to feel sad for someone else. No one can make me happy. I'll never be happy. I wish I was never created. I was only created to cause pain. Maybe it would be better if I didn't exist.
May 1, 2001
Dear Diary,
I went to school today. I hated it. Everyone stared at me. I didn't cut. I tried but I couldn't. Everyone whispered. I heard them saying things about Buffy. I just wanted to die. I wanted to hurt them. I hate Giles and Spike for making me do this. I wish I had jumped off the tower instead of Buffy. It should have been me, I shouldn't have let her do it. I should have stopped her, I should have been stronger, braver. If I had she'd be alive. The world would be saved. And I wouldn't have to hear people smear her name. Tell lies about her. I hate them. I wish they were all dead. And now I have to deal with Giles' meeting. It's going to be soon. I can hear him downstairs. Him and Spike talking. Someone just came, I think it's Willow and Tara, that means Xander has to get here and then the meeting will start. I guess I should go downstairs but I don't want to. I'm mad at them! Mad at them for making me humiliate myself today! I won't go down there until I have to. I'll just stay here. Oh! I guess Xander is here because Spike is at my door. I'll finish this later.
WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE?!?!?!?! What is so REPULSIVE about me that I drive everyone away? Mom died. Buffy died. They left. I drove them away. Now Giles is leaving. He's going back to England. Official Watcher business. He says he can't stay that he has to go back and he doesn't know how long he'll be gone. WHY?? I need him here. Who will look out after me? I thought I needed a guardian? That's what he's been talking about since he hasn't found my father. I thought---I thought Giles would be my guardian. He makes me go to school. He looks out after me. He can't leave. He can't. I can't lose him too. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves. Who will look out after me? I didn't even let them finish talking I just came up to my room. Locked my door---GO AWAY!!! Leave me alone! If you are just going to leave then leave me alone. You don't love me. The only people that loved me are gone. Buffy, Mom. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN. I should never have lived. I should never be alive. I hate my life! The monks shouldn't have created me! I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk to Spike. Next he'll decide to leave. Forget his promise to Buffy and go away. I won't go back down there. I won't go back to school. They can't make me. They can't make me do anything. I just want to go to sleep. To dream about Buffy and Mom and be happy. I'm only happy in my dreams. I only want to dream.
May 3, 2001
Dear Diary,
I haven't gone back to school. They can't make me. If Giles is leaving then I'm not going to school. What are they going to do drag me to school? I'd like to see them try. Giles is leaving. He says he has to. He's leaving in three days. I haven't written in two days. All I've done is cry. I can't even sleep. I can't eat. I hate my life. Maybe Spike could turn me. I think I'd like to be a vampire. Maybe I'd stop hurting. No one wants me. Maybe Spike would want me if I was vampire. I think I could be a vampire. What am I saying?? That would go against everything Buffy stood for!!! I'd disgrace her! I can't even think straight. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. My head hurts. I just want the pain to stop. I want a family. I want someone to love me. Why won't anyone love me? Because I was created? Because I am the Key? They hate me because I killed Buffy. They know it's all my fault. If I was stronger or braver or something then I would have jumped instead of her. It should have been me.
May 4, 2001
Dear Diary,
I can't sleep. Giles is leaving in two days. I haven't slept. I didn't go back to school. I'm not going to go. No one made me. No one makes me do anything. Giles is busy making preparations to leave. Spike tries to talk to me, but I don't want to talk. I want to try and sleep but I can't. I feel like nothing. Like I am nothing. I want everyone to go away and leave me alone. Let me go to sleep, back to my good dreams. Back to my family.
May 8, 2001
Dear Diary,
Giles is gone. I miss him. I hate him. I hate my life. I've gone back to school. I hate it. I'm behind in all my classes and people stare at me and whisper. But Xander makes me go. He drives me there everyday. He's taking care of me now. He and Anya are petitioning to be my guardians. They want to. Xander said it was Anya's idea, she's getting out of the hospital soon. Xander and Spike argue a lot but I'm used to it. Giles and Spike argued. Giles tried to tell me this wasn't my fault before he left, but I didn't want to talk to him. I was still mad. So mad I couldn't write. So mad I couldn't sleep. So mad I couldn't eat. So sad it hurt. It still hurts. It always hurts. My whole life is nothing but hurt and mad. Pain. My head hurts. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I pretend to be asleep because Spike watches me at night but I'm not. My good dreams have gone away. When I close my eyes I see Buffy jumping off the tower. I see Mom's body over and over. I was only happy in my dreams, I was only loved in my dreams. Now that's gone. I'm so alone. Xander tries. Spike tries. But it's not the same. Willow never comes by here. She hates me, she blames me. I hate me. I blame me. I want to dream my happy dreams again. I want my pain to go away. Nothing I want comes true.
I went into Mom's room tonight, I curled up on her bed and held her pillows and wished she was still alive. I wished that she'd appear and hold me and pet my hair and tell me everything would be okay. She didn't though because she's dead, and I couldn't just lay on her bed so I got up and looked in her closet. We, Buffy and me, we hadn't gotten rid of her clothes and things yet. Willow kept telling me that maybe I should, Willow and Giles, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to throw Mom away, give her away. I found the dress she wore on the date, the last date she was ever on. I remember how happy she was, how happy we all were...Buffy, Mommy, and me. I looked through her drawers, I looked through her shoes, I looked through her papers, I looked through her bathroom. I couldn't help but touch all her make up, her combs, her perfume, I can't give my Mom up. I found the bottles, those brown prescription bottles, pain killers I think, all those bottles still with pills in them. They didn't help, they couldn't save her. The doctors said it was an aneurysm, a complication due to surgery...nothing we could have done, but I know the truth. I knew the truth when Buffy told me. I knew the truth when Glory took me, I knew the truth when Buffy jumped. I killed Mom. I killed Buffy.
May 12, 2001
Dear Diary,
I don't sleep at night. Spike doesn't watch me anymore. He has to patrol. I stay awake. I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid of what I'll see. Buffy jumping into the portal. Buffy's body lying on the ground. Mom's body on the metal table. I cry. My eyes ache. I go to school. I don't eat. Xander asks me what's wrong and I lie. Spike asks me what's wrong and I lie. Anya is coming home soon so they are busy with that. Willow hasn't come and visited since Mr. Giles left. Mr. Giles only called once since he left. I'm a burden. I'm so tired of hurting. Sometimes I don't even feel any pain. I just feel nothing. I just feel I am nothing. I want Buffy, I want Mom.
May 19, 2001
Dear Diary
Anya is in the house now, she is excited about getting married. I try to be excited for her. It's hard. It's so hard to feel anything. Even pain. No one notices me, I've been shoplifting and stealing, from the Magic Box, from the others and they can't even tell. I'm lying to Xander and Spike, I tell them I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm not sleeping. My dreams are nightmares. Buffy jumping. Mom's body. They've never found my dad. Maybe the monks made him up too. Maybe he was never real. I don't care. I'm just so tired. I want my family back. I want my good dreams back.
May 24, 2001
Dear Diary,
Tonight I laid on Buffy's bed, I held Mr. Gordo and tried to cry. There are no more tears. There is only this void and sleeplessness. I close my eyes and try to sleep and I see Buffy jump. I close my eyes and I see Mom's body, cold and pale and naked, I remember how her skin felt when I touched it. I close my eyes and there is black dark pain. I open my eyes and there is black darkness. I went to Mom's room and looked at the dress she wore on her last date. I went her bathroom and saw her perfumes and those prescription bottles jumbled up, all false hope and lies. I looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled and put on the cheerful face I wear during the day, the one that everyone sees. My eyes looked like Mom's when I touched her.
May 27, 2001
Dear Diary.
They all went out tonight, like they used to with Buffy, Willow came by the house. Xander and Spike asked me if I'd be okay. I said yes. I'll be okay. I know how to get my good dreams back, to be happy. I know how to rest. It so simple. It won't take magic and only a little courage. I'm so very tired. So tired of all this pain. My head hurts, my eyes hurt. I want my Mom. I want Buffy. So I am going back to my family. I am going to dream forever.
Dear Diary,
Buffy's dead. It's been a week since she leapt off the tower to close the portal and I still don't believe it. She's gone and Mom is gone. They are dead and I don't have any family. I'm so alone. And no one understands, no one knows what it's like to be me, to lose your mom and your sister. No one knows what it's like to have your sister be the Slayer. No one knows what it's like to have your sister sacrifice herself to save you. To save the world. And I don't know where my dad is. No one can find him. Buffy couldn't find him when Mom died. Giles can't find my father now that Buffy is dead. Will he be able to find my dad if I die? Will my dad even know who I am if they find him? Did the monks make memories for him? Or will he just remember Buffy? I feel so alone. I hate this. I hate my life. All I can do is cry and cry and miss Buffy and miss Mom. I want them back. I wish the monks had never made me. If they had never made me then Mom wouldn't have died, then Buffy would be alive. It's all my fault. I hate myself for being alive.
April 25, 2001
Dear Diary,
Every night I dream about Buffy and Mom. About the way things used to be. Every morning I wake up thinking they are alive. I hate waking up. I wish I could dream forever.
April 28, 2001
Dear Diary,
I feel like a freak on display. Everyone looks at me but no one talks to me. Giles, Spike, Xander when he comes over here. I just want to be left alone! But they won't let me be alone. I haven't been to school since Buffy died, but that doesn't mean I've been alone. Spike stays here with me. He won't leave me alone He said he made a promise to Buffy that he'd protect me. He only goes out occasionally. Giles stays here now too, when he's not at the Magic Box. I have to have a guardian. Someone to take care of me, Giles is doing that right now because he can't find my dad. But I'll need a real guardian if my dad doesn't show up soon. That's what Giles says, at least. I need a guardian because I'm a kid. I don't feel like a kid, I feel like I'm a million years old.
Willow and Tara have been to visit a few times but that was weird. Tara acted strange. I think Glory's brain suck still affects her. Willow cried a lot and didn't say much. I got mad at her--why is she crying? I'm the one that lost my sister. What did Willow lose? Why is Willow so upset? Why does she come here to cry? They haven't been back that much, Willow said she has school work. Xander's been here four times. He can't come more often because of his job and Anya's in the hospital. Her pelvis was broken when stuff fell on her. That's my fault. It's all my fault. If I wasn't created Anya would be okay, Mom would be alive and Buffy would be alive. They'd be happy. Everyone would be happy. Instead everyone is sad. I wish I was never created. I haven't been to visit Anya in the hospital. Xander asked me if I wanted to go, but I didn't feel like it. I thought Anya would blame me for what happened. I didn't tell him that though. I should go see her I guess. That would be the nice thing to do. I wish Buffy were here.
April 29, 2001
Dear Diary,
I went and saw Anya. I waited until after dark so Spike could go with me. She was happy to see me. She showed me her ring, she and Xander are engaged. Xander didn't tell me before because Anya wanted to tell me. She's happy. And sad. She told me that: happy that she and Xander are getting married but sad because Buffy is dead. She even cried a little bit. She doesn't blame me for what happened. She blames Glory. She said that. After we left the hospital Spike and I got flowers and went to Buffy's grave. We didn't say anything we just put the flowers there and stood there. I cried. I think Spike even cried, I'm not sure because a vampire attacked us. Spike killed her. But we ran home. Spike was mad, because we went to the cemetery after dark...but I just wanted to go to Buffy's grave. Giles was mad at Spike they're yelling at each other. I think I'm
grounded, I think Spike's grounded. I don't know. I have a headache. It wasn't Spike's fault, he didn't really want to go to the cemetery but I begged him. I should go tell Giles that, that it's all my fault. That everything is my fault. I can't do anything right. I'm such a loser. I'm the one who should have died.
April 30, 2001
Dear Diary,
Giles says I have to go back to school---and Spike AGREES!! I can't believe it! I thought Spike would be on my side! They say tomorrow I have to go back. Also Giles says after school there is going to be a meeting with everyone (except Anya). He won't say about what. I won't go to school tomorrow. I'll skip. I won't do it! I hate them for making me go back there! I hate them both. They don't understand! Everyone will stare at me and say things behind my back. Say things about me, like Kirstie did when I cut my arm after I found about not being real. They'll talk about Buffy, make up lies about her, like they did about me. And I won't be able to defend her because I can't tell the truth. Who would believe me? I hate them all. I just want to die. If I was dead I'd be with Mom and Buffy, then we'd be happy. I just want to be happy again. I'll never be happy again. Not as long as I live. I know it. How can I ever be happy again? I just want to go to sleep and dream. In my dreams I'm happy. I want to be able to dream forever. Be with Mom and Buffy, be a family again. I wonder if there's a spell that will cause you to dream forever, sleep forever. Not that I could find one at the Magic Box, whenever I go looking at books Willow or Giles wants to know why. They don't trust me. Willow hasn't come over to visit again, but she works at the Magic Box so I see her there. I don't talk to her a lot. We don't have much to say. I think she blames me for Buffy's death. I think she thinks I should have jumped, since I'm not real. I think she thinks it's my fault Tara was brain sucked. Tara isn't back to normal either. I've only seen her a few times but she acts scared all the time and she says funny things. I saw Willow crying at the Magic Box, I think it was over Tara. I'm not sure. I guess I feel bad for Willow. It's just so hard to feel sorry for her. I feel so bad for me. That sounds selfish. But I feel so alone and so sad all the time because of Buffy and Mom, it's hard to feel sad for someone else. No one can make me happy. I'll never be happy. I wish I was never created. I was only created to cause pain. Maybe it would be better if I didn't exist.
May 1, 2001
Dear Diary,
I went to school today. I hated it. Everyone stared at me. I didn't cut. I tried but I couldn't. Everyone whispered. I heard them saying things about Buffy. I just wanted to die. I wanted to hurt them. I hate Giles and Spike for making me do this. I wish I had jumped off the tower instead of Buffy. It should have been me, I shouldn't have let her do it. I should have stopped her, I should have been stronger, braver. If I had she'd be alive. The world would be saved. And I wouldn't have to hear people smear her name. Tell lies about her. I hate them. I wish they were all dead. And now I have to deal with Giles' meeting. It's going to be soon. I can hear him downstairs. Him and Spike talking. Someone just came, I think it's Willow and Tara, that means Xander has to get here and then the meeting will start. I guess I should go downstairs but I don't want to. I'm mad at them! Mad at them for making me humiliate myself today! I won't go down there until I have to. I'll just stay here. Oh! I guess Xander is here because Spike is at my door. I'll finish this later.
WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE?!?!?!?! What is so REPULSIVE about me that I drive everyone away? Mom died. Buffy died. They left. I drove them away. Now Giles is leaving. He's going back to England. Official Watcher business. He says he can't stay that he has to go back and he doesn't know how long he'll be gone. WHY?? I need him here. Who will look out after me? I thought I needed a guardian? That's what he's been talking about since he hasn't found my father. I thought---I thought Giles would be my guardian. He makes me go to school. He looks out after me. He can't leave. He can't. I can't lose him too. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves. Who will look out after me? I didn't even let them finish talking I just came up to my room. Locked my door---GO AWAY!!! Leave me alone! If you are just going to leave then leave me alone. You don't love me. The only people that loved me are gone. Buffy, Mom. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN. I should never have lived. I should never be alive. I hate my life! The monks shouldn't have created me! I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk to Spike. Next he'll decide to leave. Forget his promise to Buffy and go away. I won't go back down there. I won't go back to school. They can't make me. They can't make me do anything. I just want to go to sleep. To dream about Buffy and Mom and be happy. I'm only happy in my dreams. I only want to dream.
May 3, 2001
Dear Diary,
I haven't gone back to school. They can't make me. If Giles is leaving then I'm not going to school. What are they going to do drag me to school? I'd like to see them try. Giles is leaving. He says he has to. He's leaving in three days. I haven't written in two days. All I've done is cry. I can't even sleep. I can't eat. I hate my life. Maybe Spike could turn me. I think I'd like to be a vampire. Maybe I'd stop hurting. No one wants me. Maybe Spike would want me if I was vampire. I think I could be a vampire. What am I saying?? That would go against everything Buffy stood for!!! I'd disgrace her! I can't even think straight. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. My head hurts. I just want the pain to stop. I want a family. I want someone to love me. Why won't anyone love me? Because I was created? Because I am the Key? They hate me because I killed Buffy. They know it's all my fault. If I was stronger or braver or something then I would have jumped instead of her. It should have been me.
May 4, 2001
Dear Diary,
I can't sleep. Giles is leaving in two days. I haven't slept. I didn't go back to school. I'm not going to go. No one made me. No one makes me do anything. Giles is busy making preparations to leave. Spike tries to talk to me, but I don't want to talk. I want to try and sleep but I can't. I feel like nothing. Like I am nothing. I want everyone to go away and leave me alone. Let me go to sleep, back to my good dreams. Back to my family.
May 8, 2001
Dear Diary,
Giles is gone. I miss him. I hate him. I hate my life. I've gone back to school. I hate it. I'm behind in all my classes and people stare at me and whisper. But Xander makes me go. He drives me there everyday. He's taking care of me now. He and Anya are petitioning to be my guardians. They want to. Xander said it was Anya's idea, she's getting out of the hospital soon. Xander and Spike argue a lot but I'm used to it. Giles and Spike argued. Giles tried to tell me this wasn't my fault before he left, but I didn't want to talk to him. I was still mad. So mad I couldn't write. So mad I couldn't sleep. So mad I couldn't eat. So sad it hurt. It still hurts. It always hurts. My whole life is nothing but hurt and mad. Pain. My head hurts. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I pretend to be asleep because Spike watches me at night but I'm not. My good dreams have gone away. When I close my eyes I see Buffy jumping off the tower. I see Mom's body over and over. I was only happy in my dreams, I was only loved in my dreams. Now that's gone. I'm so alone. Xander tries. Spike tries. But it's not the same. Willow never comes by here. She hates me, she blames me. I hate me. I blame me. I want to dream my happy dreams again. I want my pain to go away. Nothing I want comes true.
I went into Mom's room tonight, I curled up on her bed and held her pillows and wished she was still alive. I wished that she'd appear and hold me and pet my hair and tell me everything would be okay. She didn't though because she's dead, and I couldn't just lay on her bed so I got up and looked in her closet. We, Buffy and me, we hadn't gotten rid of her clothes and things yet. Willow kept telling me that maybe I should, Willow and Giles, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to throw Mom away, give her away. I found the dress she wore on the date, the last date she was ever on. I remember how happy she was, how happy we all were...Buffy, Mommy, and me. I looked through her drawers, I looked through her shoes, I looked through her papers, I looked through her bathroom. I couldn't help but touch all her make up, her combs, her perfume, I can't give my Mom up. I found the bottles, those brown prescription bottles, pain killers I think, all those bottles still with pills in them. They didn't help, they couldn't save her. The doctors said it was an aneurysm, a complication due to surgery...nothing we could have done, but I know the truth. I knew the truth when Buffy told me. I knew the truth when Glory took me, I knew the truth when Buffy jumped. I killed Mom. I killed Buffy.
May 12, 2001
Dear Diary,
I don't sleep at night. Spike doesn't watch me anymore. He has to patrol. I stay awake. I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid of what I'll see. Buffy jumping into the portal. Buffy's body lying on the ground. Mom's body on the metal table. I cry. My eyes ache. I go to school. I don't eat. Xander asks me what's wrong and I lie. Spike asks me what's wrong and I lie. Anya is coming home soon so they are busy with that. Willow hasn't come and visited since Mr. Giles left. Mr. Giles only called once since he left. I'm a burden. I'm so tired of hurting. Sometimes I don't even feel any pain. I just feel nothing. I just feel I am nothing. I want Buffy, I want Mom.
May 19, 2001
Dear Diary
Anya is in the house now, she is excited about getting married. I try to be excited for her. It's hard. It's so hard to feel anything. Even pain. No one notices me, I've been shoplifting and stealing, from the Magic Box, from the others and they can't even tell. I'm lying to Xander and Spike, I tell them I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm not sleeping. My dreams are nightmares. Buffy jumping. Mom's body. They've never found my dad. Maybe the monks made him up too. Maybe he was never real. I don't care. I'm just so tired. I want my family back. I want my good dreams back.
May 24, 2001
Dear Diary,
Tonight I laid on Buffy's bed, I held Mr. Gordo and tried to cry. There are no more tears. There is only this void and sleeplessness. I close my eyes and try to sleep and I see Buffy jump. I close my eyes and I see Mom's body, cold and pale and naked, I remember how her skin felt when I touched it. I close my eyes and there is black dark pain. I open my eyes and there is black darkness. I went to Mom's room and looked at the dress she wore on her last date. I went her bathroom and saw her perfumes and those prescription bottles jumbled up, all false hope and lies. I looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled and put on the cheerful face I wear during the day, the one that everyone sees. My eyes looked like Mom's when I touched her.
May 27, 2001
Dear Diary.
They all went out tonight, like they used to with Buffy, Willow came by the house. Xander and Spike asked me if I'd be okay. I said yes. I'll be okay. I know how to get my good dreams back, to be happy. I know how to rest. It so simple. It won't take magic and only a little courage. I'm so very tired. So tired of all this pain. My head hurts, my eyes hurt. I want my Mom. I want Buffy. So I am going back to my family. I am going to dream forever.
Oh god my very first fic ever. Which I thought I deleted forever. Well, we'll not say what it was supposed to be, except it was fic based on fanon and fic and not any actual source.
I wrote this way back on Tabletalk
I stand at the door, not wanting to enter, not wanting to return. My breath seems to come short, my heart skips a beat. It's been five years since I walked out the door determined never to look back. five years since I fled. And now they've called me back to their time of need. And so I returned. five years and the memories I tried to escape still haunt me, still cling like a second skin. And here at this door all the half forgotten memories rush back. I gasp. The pain is still so real, so hard to bear. I left trying to find a place without memories without ghosts of *him*. I've never found a place. Even if I've never been there I am still haunted by what might have been, by what could have been. For two years I lived here without him. I tried to live my life but everywhere I turned he was there. I could see him, hear him, smell him. After two years of torture it was too much so I packed up and left. I left him. He is dead and gone and in his grave. How can he know the anniversaries I missed? But I know and the guilt of leaving him haunts me .
I remember his funeral. Standing there in the sunshine, trying to say good bye, trying not to break down and give in to the primal urges inside. The urge to throw myself on his grave and sob and beg God to bring him back. Instead I stood there and said I loved him and that I missed him and I cursed him for leaving me, for dying. Like he had a choice. I still wear my ring, even after seven years. Dedicated or crazy you take your pick. I wear it as a talisman, afraid that if I take it off he'll leave. Fade from my memory until I need a picture to clearly see his face. I'd rather live with the pain of the memories than the pain of forgetting his face. His smile, the way he's face would change when he looked at me, the sound of his voice as he sighed my name, said he loved me.
The memories seem so fresh. I can hear his voice calling my name. I can feel the joy of knowing he is near, of kissing him, of holding him. The joy of being held. I remember it all: the joy, the happiness, and the intense and shattering pain of losing him. My hand curls in the air and I can feel the smooth wood of his coffin. I can smell the sweet cloying scent of the funeral flowers. Seven years! And it doesn't matter how far I run or where I go or who I am with he always haunts me. Though the pain has changed from the knife sharp pain to a dull and constant ache it is still here. I do not want to be here, on this doorstep. I don't want this pain. I don't want this longing. I don't want these reminders. I want him still.
I suck in my breath and gather my thoughts to the present and ring the bell.
The door opens. The door opens and there stands Storm, her face brightening to a smile. "You came."
I can only nod.
"Come in".
"I think I'll go to the--to his--" I nervously stumble over my words. Why am I nervous?
"I understand, take your time. We'll be here". And she closes the door. Nothing is left for me to do but go to his grave, to say hello and good bye. Again.
When I get there I run my hand over the headstone, kneel and run my fingers along the inscription. The words seem cloudy, must be the tears in my eyes. I fight them back and realize I am at a loss for words. I want to apologize, beg forgiveness for being away for so long. But I can't. It seems foolish and useless. So I simply say "I love you". And place the magnolia blossom I brought on his grave.
I remember his funeral. Standing there in the sunshine, trying to say good bye, trying not to break down and give in to the primal urges inside. The urge to throw myself on his grave and sob and beg God to bring him back. Instead I stood there and said I loved him and that I missed him and I cursed him for leaving me, for dying. Like he had a choice. I still wear my ring, even after seven years. Dedicated or crazy you take your pick. I wear it as a talisman, afraid that if I take it off he'll leave. Fade from my memory until I need a picture to clearly see his face. I'd rather live with the pain of the memories than the pain of forgetting his face. His smile, the way he's face would change when he looked at me, the sound of his voice as he sighed my name, said he loved me.
The memories seem so fresh. I can hear his voice calling my name. I can feel the joy of knowing he is near, of kissing him, of holding him. The joy of being held. I remember it all: the joy, the happiness, and the intense and shattering pain of losing him. My hand curls in the air and I can feel the smooth wood of his coffin. I can smell the sweet cloying scent of the funeral flowers. Seven years! And it doesn't matter how far I run or where I go or who I am with he always haunts me. Though the pain has changed from the knife sharp pain to a dull and constant ache it is still here. I do not want to be here, on this doorstep. I don't want this pain. I don't want this longing. I don't want these reminders. I want him still.
I suck in my breath and gather my thoughts to the present and ring the bell.
The door opens. The door opens and there stands Storm, her face brightening to a smile. "You came."
I can only nod.
"Come in".
"I think I'll go to the--to his--" I nervously stumble over my words. Why am I nervous?
"I understand, take your time. We'll be here". And she closes the door. Nothing is left for me to do but go to his grave, to say hello and good bye. Again.
When I get there I run my hand over the headstone, kneel and run my fingers along the inscription. The words seem cloudy, must be the tears in my eyes. I fight them back and realize I am at a loss for words. I want to apologize, beg forgiveness for being away for so long. But I can't. It seems foolish and useless. So I simply say "I love you". And place the magnolia blossom I brought on his grave.