Collected Thoughts

I have a temp assignment. A reboxing project at a warehouse. I've never done anything like this I'll see how it goes.

i have to be there at 5:50 am. Which means leaving here at 5:10 am (just to be sure I'm there on time).

I didn't go to sleep until 3 am this morning and woke up at noon. Tomorrow is going to be interesting.

The good - I have a job interview tomorrow!! It's for a part time receptionist job BUT it's right here in town, versus driving and I think I could find another part time job get enough hours to cover all my expenses.

The bad - I'm fighting iwth my printer. It will finally accept the cartridges - new ones I replaced a few weeks ago,b ut hadn't printed anything out. And I had to replace the cable.

Now it's printing with but about every 5th line or so is all messed up and only partially printed. I don't know what to do and I really want to have a clean copy of my resume to take to the interview. Plus I wanted to have a print out of all my information (previous job addresses, phone numbers, etc) in case I'm asked to fill out an application.

I guess if I can't get this to work I can go to the library first thing in the morning.

so right after I made my beef noodle casserole thing I found - a better tomato free beef casserole recipe. Sigh.

Oh , well I have more meat in the freezer. Next dish I make though is chicken (I have a bunch of that in the freezer too )

I went and discovered the Farmer's Market. Now, there's no produce. There were plants, eggs, baked goods, preserves, crafts, wine and Greek food AND Puerto Rican Food! Which is HUGE. HUGE. Because it is the only place in the whole county to get anything like that. Unless one counts Taco Bell which I don't. Anyway I had largish breakfast and wasn't hungry and only got a Tembleque - coconut custard thing.

But next Saturday, I'm walking over there and having lunch.

Haven't exercised today but will do something this evening I think, I'm a little sore.

Oh and Will is coming over in about an hour! I haven't seen him since... Tuesday I guess.

I went to the grocery store and stocked up. And I cooked. Well I played around with a casserole idea, I have some ground beef frozen and I wanted to cook it. And I decided a casserole. Except nearly every recipe beef casserole recipe has tomatoes in some form.

So I found one that was cream of soup based. So I tried it. The recipe was really basic - literally meat, seasonings, cream of soup, water, noodles, bread crumbs. So I sauted some bell pepper and mushrooms and added a different topping. It needed more veggies and more liquid. Maybe another can of soup or more water or milk or something.

It's not fancy at all but that's kinda what I was looking for.

And I exercised today. I forgot i had an exercise dvd in my netflix queue. I realized I can't do any kind of dance aerobics, I get confused about my feet and my arms/

So instead I looked on Hulu Plus (I don't know why considering I HAVE exercise dvds I like) and found a toning thing by The Firm or Giam or both (not sure). It was...relatively easy. I only had 2.5 lb weights because the last time I had 5 lbs weights those were too heavy. Anyway I think I'll stick with the dvds I have. Or check out exercise.tv I've found good stuff there.

But! I exercised!

I also made tea yesterday and have been switching between that and Diet Cokes since my Diet coke habit has gotten way out of control.

I probably need to go redeem my cans soon.

Will came over today. He let himself in and I got to snuggle in bed with him. I stayed up too late last night and didn't want to lay there for hours like I did the night before with stuff going through my head. So I took Klonopin.

Bad idea.

It made me sooo groggy. Plus last night I was tired enough, I left the keys in the front door. Which is a big deal but they aren't visible from the street because of the enclosed porch.

But I got to spend most of the day with Will. He put together my bookshelf that was taken apart, and now it houses the dvds. We went to lunch and also Staples were I got a computer cart deal. I don't have space for a real desk./ And I got a portable file thing for my files. They didn't have it in stock taken a part so it's coming on Tuesday. At some point when Will is here he'll put it together (I hate do ing things like that and it takes for ever).

While he was putting together the shelf, I put some stuff away, organized the bedroom "closet" and tidied a bit. Still have stuff to do.

But it feels more homey. I also bought another floor lamp. It's go frosted whiteish glass looking shades -it's one torchierre style but also has a second "reading lamp"/ So that's going in the bedroom and I moved the lamp from the bedroom to the kitchen. It's still not a ton of light but it's better. There's no over head light in the dining area so it can be kinda gloomy.

I still need bookcases and something to put the microwave on. Either that or stop buying things that need to be microwaved and put it back up on the fridge.

Today was mostly productive.

Got my car inspected and the front plate & bracket installed. I had to have the tint removed from the front driver's and passenger's windows, and I only got charged for that and the inspection. $75, not too bad. I also have a garage now if I need it.

While that was going on I explored some shops on Main Street some more. I didn't get to all of them, but hopefully the weather will be mostly nice. I have library books to return and then I'll go check out the new age shop, the other consignment shop, and a wine and gourmet foods shop. I think those are the ones I haven't been in yet.

I also went to City Hall and registered to vote. And I cooked up some black beans in the slow cooker, but I don't think they turned out right. They were in there all day and they are still a bit...firm. I'm going to freeze all of them and then thaw and cook them and hopefully they'll soften up more.

For the navy beans and pink beans I think I'll go with the more conventional stove method of cooking.

I ordered some Dover coloring books from Amazon, I was excited because they are supposed to be delivered tomorrow, so I thought if it was raining I'd read, color and watch tv. I went to track the package and realized then though I swear I deleted my old address the package is going there. So tomorrow I'll call Dad and see if he can go by and send them by mail up here. Oh I also want to go to the Jo Ann Fabrics and see if they offer in classes. I'm not really crafty but I thought if there was something it might be fun to do and meet some people.

One of the churches is having a rummage sale Friday and Saturday and then in a town near here is a Crafts and Fine Arts and Antique Expo - Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully Will can come with me, but he works Saturday and has obligations on Sunday. If he can't I'll go look for myself. I don't plan to buy anything but I thought it would be fun to see some stuff and may be get info about local artists and what not.


Tomorrow on my list of things to do is - clean out the fridge from last weekend's stuff, take out the trash and recycling , do laundry and do dishes. Unfortunately I don't have a dishwasher or a dish drainer, I do have one of those dish mats, so I may do my dishes in batches. I also have more stuff I need to corral in some way, although I'm not sure exactly how. I need to put together the bookcase I have, which will require nails and a trip to the hardware store and the assistance of Will I need a second set of hands. Furniture wise I still need -a computer desk or stand, a second book case, a microwave stand, and a tv stand which can hold dvds otherwise I'll need another small bookcase. And a draft stopper for one of the doors.

And I need to figure out a way to secure the string for the blinds by the cat tree. The cats keep playing with it and I'm afraid one of them will it wrapped around their neck and fall. Mabye if I clothespin it to the bracket.

Oh! Insulated/lined curtains. The only ones I've found affordable are either ugly or have grommets and go on the more modern looking curtain rods, not the metal brackety ones. Although I'm tempted to buy one and see how it does, and if it doesn't work okay I can use it for the closet "door". There's a tension rod and a curtain that doesn't go to the floor. If I got a nice long curtain it would look nicer and also add some insulation from the outside wall. I don't know what my gas bill will be this winter, but this place is kinda drafty and not heavily insulated. That is if I'm still here this winter.

So I now have a VT driver's license, my car is registered, I have a library card, I opened a bank account. I just need to register to vote (I need to go to City Hall) and get my car inspected (I have an appointment tomorrow.).

Oh and get a job. But there's been an issue with my insurance and COBRA and I may not get my mediciation filled in time - I already got the limited amount of pills the pharmacy can deal with. This is all my fault, but I'm waiting until I'm sure I have meds before I call the temp agencies because I may have to go a few days without Seroquel and that's not pretty.

However, what I am going to do in the meantime is work on my resume and research cover letters. I don't have a suit, which I'd like for job interviews, but I do have a few dresses and I think I can make a more formal appearance. There are 3 consignment shops downtown and tomorrow I'm going to browse them, just to get an idea of what's there.

I keep saying I'm not going to spend money and then end up spending money on things, but I'm set on food for awhile. And I have to have my inspection tomorrow I know they are going to : attach the license plate and bracket (I don't have a front bracket) and remove the window tint from the front drivers and passenger windows. But hopefully that's it.

I've already got a little stockpile of food going, Will got stuff for hamburgers and I bought a bunch of ground beef instead of just enough. So that's in the freezer. And tomorrow I'm going to cook some beans in the slow cooker. I have 3 kinds and I'm going to cook them all up and freeze them. Well most of them, corn is on sale and I found a bag of mixed sweet peppers on sale so I may make some beans with corn and peppers. . And I bought some chicken breasts I'm going to portion out.

I really wanted bone in skin on breasts, but I couldn't find them - I should have just bought the split chicken and cooked it. But it really wasn't that much cheaper than the big pack of boneless skinless chicken breasts. i'm going to portion those out and cook some and freeze the other. I did pretty good, I only bought fresh stuff so I couldn't have used coupons.


So far I love Vermont. I love my little town. Everyone has been so nice and friendly. I'm three blocks from the library. Downtown -with the 3 consignment shops and an organic/natural food store - is less than a mile, totally in walking distance. The weather is wonderful - except for the rain causing flooding.

This is my first time in Vermont and yet, everything feels *right*. So many things seem vaguely familiar and there are some things that aren't familiar - Cree Mees for example (soft serve ice cream stands) or the accents or the lack of fresh brewed ice tea at every restaurant (so far I've found 2 in town). But this just feels like home. And the baggage and feeling of dread has been lifted.

I'm feeling nostalgic.

Here's the first thing I ever wrote. The intro part is almost as long as the story. This is actually fanfic. Even though you can't tell anything about it. It's fanfic of fanfic, of a X Men (comic verse, this was before the movie) series I read that was Iceman/Gambit series. This is when I first started reading fanfic. I also was on Salon.com and found the Buffistas before we were actually Buffistas.

Anyway, there was this series and one of them died (I can't remember now which of Iceman or Gambit died) and I wrote this. And in the Fanfic thread of Salon I got someone to read over it and help me. Someone who later became part of the Buffistas. (cue Small World).

I don't really remember writing this, I remember a few key lines but not the actual process of writing. Unlike Variations of a Kiss which was something that hit me like a ton of bricks and I can still remember the whole process and intensity of how the story came to me.

But I digress.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,-- so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
Edna St. Vincent Millay





I stand at the door, not wanting to enter, not wanting to return. My breath
seems to come short, my heart skips a beat. It's been five years since I walked out the door determined never to look back. Five years since I fled. And now I'm called back to this place. Five years and
the memories I tried to escape still haunt me, still cling like a second skin. And here at this door all the half forgotten memories rush back.

I gasp.

The pain is still so real, so hard to bear. I left trying to find a place without memories without ghosts of him. I've never found a place. Even if I've never been there I am still haunted by what might have been, by what could have been. For two years I lived here without him. I tried to live my life but everywhere I turned he was there. I could see him, hear him, smell him. After two years of torture it was too much so I packed up and left. I left him. He is dead and gone and in his grave. How can he know the anniversaries I missed? But I know and the guilt of leaving him haunts me.

I remember his funeral. Standing there in the sunshine, trying to say good bye, trying not to break down and give in to the primal urges inside. The urge to throw myself on his grave and sob and beg God to bring him back. Instead I stood there and said I loved him and that I missed him and I cursed him for leaving me, for dying. Like he had a choice. I still wear my ring, even after seven years. I wear it as a talisman, afraid
that if I take it off he'll leave. Fade from my memory until I need a picture to clearly see his face. I'd rather live with the pain of the memories than the pain of forgetting his face. His smile, the way he's face would change when he looked at me, the sound of his voice as he sighed my name, said he loved me.

The memories seem so fresh. I can hear his voice calling my name. I can feel the joy of knowing he is near, of kissing him, of holding him. The joy of being held. I remember it all: the joy, the happiness, and the intense and shattering pain of losing him. My hand curls in the air and I can feel the smooth wood of his coffin. I can smell the sweet cloying scent of the funeral flowers. Seven years! And it doesn't matter how far I run or where I go or who I am with he always haunts me. Though the pain has changed from the knife sharp pain to a dull and constant ache it is still here. I do not want to be here, on this doorstep. I don't want this pain. I don't want this longing. I don't want these reminders. I want him still.

I suck in my breath and gather my thoughts to the present and ring the bell.

The door opens. The door opens and there stands Storm, her face brightening to a smile. "You came."

I can only nod.

"Come in".

"I think I'll go to the--to his--" I nervously stumble over my words. Why am I nervous?

"I understand, take your time. We'll be here". And she closes the door.

Nothing is left for me to do but go to his grave, to say hello and good bye.
Again.

When I get there I run my hand over the headstone, kneel and run my fingers along the inscription. The words seem cloudy, must be the tears in my eyes. I fight them back and realize I am at a loss for words. I want to apologize, beg forgiveness for being away for so long. But I can't. It seems foolish and useless.

So I simply say "I love you".

And place the magnolia blossom I brought on his grave.

I have all these discs labelled "Stuff" or "stuff 2" or "old computer" and "music" or "vids"
so I'm going through them...kinda procrastination kinda putting them on my computer and tossing the cds.

I found -- my old fic. The stuff that I have no idea if it's still out there. Including some story ideas I started but did nothing with.

I remembered -I wrote. I didn't just write. I participated. I read, watched, analyzed, discussed, critiqued. I was active in something. And I've become passive and stagnant. I haven't liked that about myself for a very very long time. I'm hoping this move will be a catalyst to get me out of this stagnation.

All the apartment ma has worked. I tentaviely have the apartment. Barring the landlady deciding my credit is too bad,.

So there's still that hurdle but she's repainting the walls and asked what color I'd like.

i also got some anti anxiety meds from my doctor today and Ill see how that works with getting sleep tonight.

Now I have to give notice at work, which I think I'll do monday. give me time to see how the anti anxiety meds do because I'll totally freak out about that.