Collected Thoughts

I'm feeling depressed right now. This happens every time my brother comes for a visit. We don't have a very good relationship, we don't hate each other but we aren't close either. Our personalities clash and there's a huge history behind us, what with me being sick and the inherit selfishness of the illness and the way that sucked our parents in.

But also there are just...I feel at times when I try to talk about things he just doesn't even try to fiegn an interest or if he does have an interest in something then he kind of takes over the conversation. I'm not trying to take any of the time that he has here, but at dinner there was a huge lull in the conversation and so I filled it by bringing up that I'm reading Salt: A World History I figured it would interest everyone and suddenly my brother is spouting off what he knows about salt and talking over me.

You know, I realize my life is really fucking boring right now and he's doing things to get ready to go to New Zealand to go to school and he has the whole thing going on with his seperation and he does this outdoor adventure stuff but...

okay, I'm completly boring compared to him and what can I say? I write fanfic? God, he'd dismiss the idea of it...because it's related to television and not real. I can't say anything about my online friends because they aren't "real". I can't really mention reconnecting back with my friend D and stuff like that because..well I'm sure it would be dismissed.

I wanted to say "hey! I've gone out dancing" but, again, that's not something he's interested in or finds a good use of time. Going to a club, dancing. There are "Better" things to do. More productive things.

I guess I want his approval in some way but I don't think I'm ever going to get it. Oh, I'm sure he's glad I'm in school but somehow I don't think he believes anything will happen with it.

I was trying to talk to him about our grandmother (Mom's mom) and some things I was worried about and he basically dismissed everything I said. Not only did he say it wasn't our place but I shouldn't even really be bothered by some of the things going on because the decisions were being made by adults and there was nothing I could do to change their minds.

But, you know, I'm sorry that I do worry that my aunt my have serious health problems because she's taking so much care of our grandmother and that my aunt and my mother don't get any support from their sister or brother. I wasn't looking for any kind of solution I just wanted to talk about it with him.

I just wish we could be friends but...we just have conflicting personalities and basically no interests in common. I can't think of one thing where we have any kind of similiar interest. Even though he works with computers he doesn't like to use them so he doesn't even send email. I don't kayak or go fishing a lot. We don't have the same tastes in music (at least I think we don't), he rarely goes to the movies, barely watches television. It's lots of outdoor stuff and working out and when he does read, when he has time I have no idea what he reads.

I just hate that my brother is a stranger.