Collected Thoughts

I can't sleep. It's not that late but I tried to go to bed early.

I have a cold. I took Nyquil about 2 hours ago and I swear it's already worn off. I can only take it every 6 hours and I am miserable coughing, sneezing , runny nose sore throat etc


Second cold I've I had. I stayed home from work which was good because I was in a daze and very tired all day. But also argued on a local FB page about the Confederate flag with someone. It was fairly respectful.

His stance seemed to be since not every person in the South owned slaves or fought explicitly for slavery then somehow it means the Confederate flag doesn't represent slavery or that the Civil War wasn't fought over slavery. I kept saying it doesn't matter what some individuals did or thought when you look at the collective actions of the state. Only not quite like that.

At the beginning he kept saying I was being revisionist but I was quoting Alexander Stephens cornerstone speech and the articles of secession and kept asking him how that was revisionist and he finally dropped that. I did agree I was cheryl picking quotes but only because the entirety was so long and I made sure to link to the full text.

One person complimented me on knowing history and sticking to facts. One woman kept saying it was my opinion when I quoted Stephens and I kept saying it was a direct quote and a fact not an opinion.


And then someonen threw in that they were all Democrats. The main guy I was debating replied that the parties had basically switched and when she said that is just what all liberal said. I read that and pictured the gif of the guy blinking and the dude replied he was NOT a Democrat but then broke down what happened.


I finally turned off notifications because it wasn't going anywhere. I did tell him what I did and offer for him to message me if he felt he needed to but we were going in circles.

My debating skills are so much better than they used to be. When it comes to the Confederate flag and was the Civil War about slavery I just stick to quoting Stephens and the articles of secession and linking to both. It would probably be better if I had another source but I feel like I have a better chance at defending myself when I'm pulling from Confederates.

I was watching Hot Fuzz and wanted to watch the vid done to Blue Orchid by the White Stripes and it seems to have disappeared from the internet.

This makes me really sad

New year so trying to be more.connected with people.

I am watching Wynona Earp finally. I really like it. Although it's frustrating that it's on SyFy so there is lots of violence and very little in the way of nudity or intimacy.

I'm on season 3 of Magicians . Watching it on Netflix with my boyfriend. I don't like
Quentin very much. This makes it hard to find fnfic to read because I want as little Quentin as possible. More of everyone else.

I'm also slowly watching Grimm.

I'm not up to date on anything except The Good Place. Which is forking amazing.

So I've started baking. Well I have been for a few months. I've wanted to try but I thought it would be.. hard. That it would end in lots of inedible things .

Except it hasn't. I've taken it slow and done easy stuff and it's mostly turned out. Except pizza dough. And my attempt at Irish Soda Bread, but I think I miscounted the cups of flour I was adding and put it too much.

I've made white bread (2 different recipes), dinner rolls, egg custard pie, brownies, different batches of cookies, German Chocolate Cake, strawberry bread, buttermilk and plain biscuits, and white cake.

The white cake I made because we had strawberries and cream and nothing to go with them..so I made a small batch of cake and baked in in mini loaf pan thing.

Biscuits were ok. the buttermilk biscuits I seriously overworked the dough. And since you can't get just a small amount of buttermilk I'm going to pass on doing that again for awhile.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the pizza dough.

Mostly I'm drawn to bread baking and yeast based things but also I don't have a huge urge to eat what I make. Well, I do but then sometimes I'm ready to be done with whatever and make something new.

The pie crust was easier to make than the pizza dough and turned out much better. Don't think I'll ever ben at Great British Bake Off level but I'm not sure I want to get there. I just want to enjoy it and try new things and find people to eat everything so I can make new things.

I keep having thoughts, feelings , what have you about gender experssion and identity, my gender expression and identity.

Lots of introspection and questions and I'm not sure where to go for answers or guidance , etc. Well I've poked around a few places but they seem to be more people in their 20s or for people who are sure or mostly sure or...something.

And this brings up all my fears of...ridicule, rejection and also that I'm being fake.

I don't know why I'm being vague. But every time I try to write out how I feel or what I'm thinking it doesn't really make sense.

I don't want to be a man. I'm okay with my body (there's stuff I'd like to change but it's mostly weight loss/getting fit, wishing for different hair texture type thing.). There is a lot of my identity and experiecnes that are tied into being a woman but I don't really think about being a woman a lot. I mean I do but I don't.

I've wear dresses and skirts. I've worn make up and I've worn dresses and make up to feel sexy but... a lot of that is what is expected. Well, I loved my prom dress. Mostly when it comes to clothes I just want to wear things that are comfortable (today that was a long skirt and a geeky mens tshirt). I dont find button down shirts comfortable so I don't plan on wearing any (although there are looks I love that hinge on a button down shirt). Pushing that aside...

There's just this - discconnect when I think of myself and woman. It feels I don't know.

Then I think .. well I just like the clothes of tomboy/butch style but that doesn't mean anything about my gender but then again clothes are a big part of gender expression.

A lot of this is stirred up by my "quest for identity" in therapy and also pushing back on shoulds.

I have Imzy invites if anyone needs them!

My tooth on my right side hurts. A molar, kind of across from the one I lost. I need to get my teeth cleaned. I'm going to set up an appointment this week.

I'm anxious as hell because I know I probably need a filling. I need to get an implant, I can't afford any of that. I checked online with my dental insurance and fillings don't kick in until August. Part of the problem is primarily chewing on the right side. I need to stop doing that.

And brushing better. I have a waterpik/electric toothbrush set up but there's no room for it in the bathroom (literally no place to plug it in I could keep it under the sink and get it out /fill it/use it only when I brush my teeth and when the toothbrush needs to be recharged set it up in the kitchen). But I know I won't do that. So at hte grocery store i thought I bought one of those cheap spin head brushes (better than nothing). Only it didn't make it home so I don't know what happened. Tomorrow I'm going to get that. Also mom rearranged the basement and god only knows where my stuff is at this point.

High anticipating my therapy appointment tomorrow my anxiety level has been really high lately, I know it's because of stuff coming up in group and in therapy. Nothing I can really do , well be better about self care.

But I nearly had a break down in the grocery store. Mom sent me to get somethings for her trip and some things for myself while she was gone and I ended up wandering around feeling guilty about anything I looked at and spending any money. I keep thinking about how much easier and better everyone's life would be if I hadn't been born. No one will agree with that but it would be.

I should be asleep but I'm not.

Also Penny is not a good huntress for a cat. Unless her plan was to very slowly terrorize the mouse to death. There was a mouse. Penny was acting strange for a day or so before I figured it out. I found it..totally alive...yesterday. It fell out of a paperbag and Penny just ...tapped it. And then waited. I threw the mouse outside.

She's sniffing around the stove (which she was doing origially) so either the mouse is dumb and is back or there is another one. I really don't want another one.

And on one hand I'm glad there were no parts or guts to deal with. One the other hand I think Penny was freaked out about the mouse. Insects are more her style.

So I don't like the DBT group I'm in. Well let me rephrase. I like the info I just can't stand one woman. I don't know how to address it but I need to. She's not a terrible person but she dominates, she has an example for everything and when we do introductions it might be - say your name and one thing related to interpersonal communication you are working on.

so most people would say "I'm askye and I'm working on my social phobia."

Whereas this woman would be "My name is X and all my life I've struggled with being a people pleaser and I'm trying to bring more balance to my life and as an example this week I blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah."

and she always has some example or some tie back to her life. Which is fine IF she didn't do it over 5 times in an hour.

I guess I need to email the group leader and just tell her I feel uncomfortable because she's such a dominate personality and it's hard to get a word in edgewise at times and I don't want to participate because I feel like I'll be competing against her or taking up too much time because of how much time she takes.

Or something.

Survived the first half of black friday. Think I have a uti or the IC is flaring a little. Tomorrow's provided food is pizza and wings. I have a pot pie I'm going to take in and maybe there will be lunch meat left over from today. I can't risk the tomatoes. ORdred D-mannose from amazon. Will call the doctor on Monday. Have an over the counter test to take but remembered it AFTER I went to the bathroom.

I'm tireda nd I forgot what it's like in the holidays when there's no escape from the noise and the people. I took my dinner break early and it was quiet but when I needed quiet the only way would be going outside in the cold. Tomorrow is still Black Friday. Then this weekend will be busy I'm sure. I'm looking forward to my days off. although I have therapy and seeing the shrink.

Right now the noises of the day are rattling and echoing through my head and I can't quiet them down. If I could meditate now would be good, but I can't do that. There's noise - the microwave heating dinner, the cat clamoring for food or attention (although she's had both) and I just want to sit the quiet an the dim and eat dinner and just not think too much but I have to go to bed soon. I'll wake up at 8:30. I almost always do. I didn't get much sleep last night and tried to nap but failed, my head buzzing with the anxiety for today. I keep telling myself over time and holiday pay and were on track to get 2x the bonus, although that money will show up after the holidays. I've already earned over time and I'm not sure how. I'm worried there's a mistake but I won't look at my hours or bring it to attention. Part of me thinks that's wrong.