Collected Thoughts

I should be getting ready for the oral presentation but I just can't care. I'm going to go and do my best and maybe scribble out some notes. I have no idea what anyone else in my "group" is going to do. It's just....not worth getting upset over imo.

Instead I'm sitting here in the student union killing time. I took McKay to work but found out that the wireless doesn't extend to the break room, my co worker said I should mention it, just in case that space gets used for something else at some point.  Maybe. So that killed my idea of surfing while at lunch...or watching Netflix.

Actually I forgot my headphones otherwise I'd be doing that right now, instead I'm just randomly surfing and there are a couple of stories I want to read, but they are NC17 and I can't read porn in public! At  least not where someone could look over my shoulder.  I'm sort of in the corner (near the outlet) but, ?I guess I can't do that, it's too weird.

Work kinda sucked, there's a lack of direction for me since I don't have a supervisor so I sort of drift aimlessly and have a tendancy to put things off until the last minute. BAD habit but it's hard when there's no direction. If this hiring process drags out any longer I'm going to be forced to leave before they hire a replacement.

Anyone know some good sources for Wallpapers? I'm looking for SGA and SPN ...for SPN something featuring Dean would be great.

• McKay needs nice wallpaper.

a lovely new laptop I've named McKay! 

I'm not one to name things (my Nano didn't rate a name) but the laptop, well I couldn't resist calling it McKay.

It's a Tosibha and I didn't get online with it last night because I realized I bought the more expensive router I was looking for so I had to wait and exchange it. I don't have a laptop bag so I couldn't take McKay anywhere, I was worried he might fall and get busted -- so tonight I'll do my set up.

I did manage to get rid of a few extraneous programs.  However, now that I've uninstalled Napster I can't figure out how to delete the short cut. Also there are a TON of games I have no interest in and I'm not sure there's a way to individually get rid of them.

Now, I have to find the perfect SGA wallpaper for McKay.

Almost 5 lbs since October 1.   I've exercised almost every day , even if it's just the 10 minute yoga routine on exercisetv.

And all of this has been through exercise tv options on On Demand.

Well, I have cut down on some of my snacking at work.  I got in a really bad habit of eating cookies or a candy bar every day (and sometimes crackers) but I've tried to cut that down to every other day.

I've been exercising every day for about a week. Sometimes it was something simple like a 10 minute nightly yoga routine or a 15 minute work out and then other times I've done more. A 15 minute work out and then another 10 minute work out (and the nightly yoga).

Last night I didn't do anything, not even the yoga, which can be found on exercisetv.tv -- it's free and called PM Yoga or something like that. Anyway. I've been doing it every night and felt really good (I'm going to do the beginner yoga routine sometime by the same person) except last night and now I feel it. Totally feel it, my neck and back are tight and it feels like I slept wrong.  So tonight it's back to the yoga. I'm trying to do things at night that will help me sleep, so I've been turning off all the lights and doing this by computer monitor light only and then getting to bed in the dark. It's sort of helped.

But this exercising the body, even just a little bit, has made me realize I need to exercise my creative mind and start writing. Even if it's just a little bit.  I'm going to cut down on some tv shows and just focus on what I'm really interested in, besides not writing I also don't feel strong in canon for any show, not strong enough to write for it. I used to read more meta about shows and stuff like that.  Like for Supernatural, so I'm going to be looking for that.

I realised, also, that when my place is a mess I don't feel like writing or doing anything creative. So I'm working on cleaning it up and carving out a space where I will feel like sitting down and write a little bit each day.

And I found this. I'm pretty sure people at B.org helped polish this. This poem, or the concept behind it, was something that rattled around in my head forever.  And ever.  Anyway it came out and it was this:

My Demon


My strength is failing,
I was once  strong
I had beat my demon back behind the door,
Back into a cage.
My growing strength weakened him.
 Pushed him beyond my door within a cage,
 Locked away his smoky sulfur breath, his curling claws.

 But  now I've grown weaker
 My fight is gone
 My spirit grows weaker
 My hope wanes.

He's  felt me weakening and grown stronger.
My demon is at my door
   Smoke curling up from  the cracks
   Sulfur thick in the air
   Claws clicking against the frame.
Patiently listening
Patiently  waiting
To burst through the door
    Reclaiming my life
    Consuming my spirit.

His siren song calls to me behind that door.
His desperate pleas to let him in.
He recites all his golden lies
Reminding me of how I need him,
Of what he's done for me.

And though I thought  I vanquished him
I listen to his siren call, his desperate pleas
His golden lies.
My self doubts grow.
And he grows stronger
My esteem weakens
And he grows stronger
I grow weaker.
And he grows stronger
He feeds upon my thoughts

Now he is at my door
My ever present, ever faithful demon.

I try not to weaken further,
Try and keep him just behind that door.
But he is so close,
and his lies are so smooth .
My faith wavers.


I fear he will twist the knob,
come through the door
Reclaim me, consume me
And I will go to him,
Embrace him ,
And believe his siren song,
his golden lies.


So that was then.

Now.  Imagine me in total SPN mode n a hot leather jacket holding my own specially designed Colt standing over the fucker in triumph.  That demon's in hell and if it ever tries to climb its way back out I've got rock salt, holy water, and many more bullets.

That's now.

Well, maybe I'm a little cocky. Maybe I have a few baby demons, but my own personal YED is gone. The rest is clean up.

This is just archiving for me.  Stories I've written, trying to get myself inspired to write more.



Next up... Smallville again, this is one of the first I wrote

Buffy, my Dawn story -- this totally would not have been written without the wonderful bitches at b.org

Oh god my very first fic ever.  Which I thought I deleted forever.  Well, we'll not say what it was supposed to be, except it was fic based on fanon and fic and not any actual source.

I wrote this way back on Tabletalk

I was looking in my old computer for my resume (oh god it has to be really reworked), it was incredibly slow going, my computer was soooo slow and I could barely get a cd made. Anyway I copied out a lot of files and found some old fic that I was trying to work but never really did anything with.

I haven't written anything in a long time, so I'm going to post these very rough pieces. Anyway if you read them comment. I may have posted these, but I can't remember.